I had an early morning. Chores, which consisted of only feeding the 18+ cats and 5 dogs, and to the store by 8. I hadn’t looked at my bills for a week. I needed to answer email condolences. Today seemed as good a day as any to get back to business and accomplish that.
Bill pay. Transfer funds to pay the vet. I can’t believe how much I paid for 20 minutes of the vet‘s expertise, but that is another story. I couldn’t have put Finny down by any other method.
Emails. Who haven’t I thanked or talked to. I have a few friends that I have been emailing back and forth, trying to get answers for the question “why“. No specific answers. Maybe just things to do differently. Feed more Fiber. Worm every 2 months or with a continual wormer. Watch for high sugar diets. Watch for overtraining, and lactic acid build up in the muscles. Keep the hind gut sound. Keep riding.
A few more people sent emails. One had pictures of horses on a path to heaven. Oh my, the horse was big and black. The other email was about a poem about what God needed. I could only read 2 paragraphs. I’ll finish the poem tonight or tomorrow, and let you know if I could read the whole thing. Basically, it was about God riding our horses! That God needed them. I have always known that my heaven would be a heaven with horses. I just never pictured the angels riding my horses. I couldn’t read any further. That is going to be a tear jerker.
I am dealing with Finny’s death by thinking about another horse. I can’t stay just focused on his death, or I couldn’t leave the sorrow that I feel. For me, I need something more to think about. I really don’t want to think about my other horses that I have here, but I can think about another horse to ride. Strange, isn’t it?
I went to town with my daughter-in-law and grandson this afternoon. The day was misty and dreary out, and I really didn’t want to come home and sit in the house, doing nothing. It was great having a distraction, and I love being distracted by my grandchildren.
One of my adult lesson riders stopped by after work. She is a behavioral psychologist. We talked. She wanted to know if there is anything she can do. She is new to horses, but she talks to people about their problems. She just listened to me talk. Or she seemed to want me to talk. I don’t know if I was being evaluated, but it felt good to just talk matter-of-factly.
I’m tired tonight. A lot of thinking today. Figuring out what the answers to the questions are. I think I’ll go on my trail ride this weekend. I’m not sure I want to talk about Finny when I get there. I just want to see the scenery. I don’t really care what horse I will ride. Tom asked who I’m taking, and I told him that I didn’t have many choices.
I guess I’ll be riding soon. I’m not sure who.
Turning Night to Day
8 years ago
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7 comments:
I'm so sorry about Finny; I just caught up on your blog and am very stunned at the suddenness. I hope every day is a bit easier than the previous. I also hope the good memories will come to the forefront with time. Take care of yourself and take it easy.
Flying Lily, thanks. It is getting easier with everyone's thoughts that they send me. It is helping me to know what they think. Some people say they don't know what to say, and that is ok, because I still have a sense of what they are feeling. I think I am feeling better, then last night, thinking that I can't take Finny to the trail ride this weekend, was difficult. The suddenness of his death was the worse. From going from a fantastic ride to saying goodbye within 3 hours was horrible. I'll always think about what I could have done differently. I'll make some subtle changes, and at least I'll know that if this ever happens again, I'll have the feeling that I have done everything that I could have to prevent it. This time, I don't have that feeling and that makes me sad. I know what the vet say, and that this type of colic couldn't have been prevented, it just happened, but it still doesn't make it easier to accept. I am starting to have wonderful memories, and some friends told me that they would write me a story of their memories of Finny. That makes me smile. Thanks so much for your caring.
After Hanks colic(s) I learned that the more they study colic in horses, it sems the less we know. I had been told horses don't colic in pasture. All 3 of Hanks colics, all very diferent, were at home, with him out in pasture, doing nothing. While there are cases where a colic is caused by stress from rides etc., I have come to realize that we can not always find out the 'why' of some of them. You will never know if Finny had something going on for awhile that showed no signs. The vet told me the horses digestive tract is actually a poor design. Things are just kind of stuffed in there, and parts of the intestine just kind of lay or float around, but are not attached or supported in ways to keep them from moving, flipping, and even twisting.
I know the feeling of wanting to make sure you do everything right in the future to not have this hapen again. And the feeling of guilt is natural. Our horses depend on us for their well-being, and if something happens, it is natural to feel we might have failed them. But sometimes things fall in to the crap happens area, that we just can not see coming, or be able to make it right. If you get to a point of wanting to do CTR's again, feel free to contact me, and I can tell you how I feed and care for Hank. I worry a bit every ride, every gut sound check that he will show something is not right. And that may never change.
After I lost my last horse, I found it made me feel better to go to the pasture and verbally tell the other horses, and a good cry in to their mane helped. We all heal from the loss different.
Jonni, thank you for understanding why I am searching for answers, even though I may never find them. It does help to know that other riders, like you with so much knowledge and experience, have the same questions as I have. It is hard to think that I didn't help him as much as I could have. Maybe now I can start to think that I helped him as much as I could for what I know now. Riders like you will help me to learn more so maybe the next time, there is a prevention. I think as I'm ready to do something with my other horses, they may see a few tears too. Yes, I very much would like to hear how you feed your wonderful horse, Hank. You can post what you do here, so that others can learn, or tell us where to go on your blog. thanks so much for sharing!!! My heart is healing because of all the kind riders that share their stories with me.
Brenda, It was good to talk to you today. I'm actually surprised we could make it through the call without breaking down more than we did. It's cliche to say you are doing "as well as can be expected", but I'm glad that you are. It will take time, but when you are ready to move on, let's saddle up and go!
I finally finished my post about Finny today. I hope you I did him justice. I'll miss him.
http://www.horsetrailriders.blogspot.com/
tv, you are amazing. I didn't even know that you took some of those pictures. You had me crying, then smiling, then laughing. I will remember, always, riding in that storm, and that nasty horse fly after us! I know that it helps me get over this deep sadness as my friends write me of their memories of Finny and their stories. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your memories with me. thank you for the tribute to Finny. I miss him so much.
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