Finny Baby Pics

Finny, 1 month,

then he was orphaned. The mare died of colic at the breeders. Older mother, stress at breeding, young colt.

Finny grew into a little yearling,

my little guy grew into a 15.3 handsome fella.

7 years later, he was gone. But not without lots of memories.


I just love my smile in this photo!

More Thoughts about Finny

Yes, it's been 6 months since Finny has been gone. I need to finish what I started writing about last night. I just didn't get all my thoughts from the last 2 days down, as it was late and I was tired last night.

I spent all day outside yesterday. My 2 boarders and I wormed and vaccinated 10 horses in the morning. This year, we vaccinated for rabies as there have been 3 confirmed cases in our county in the last few months.

Then I spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon clearing and burning brush. I wanted to get organized in my barn office next week, and my husband and Jacob hung 3 cupboards for me. Jacob, Amber and Caden stayed, and friends came to have hamburgers on the grill. Afterwards, the 2 little ones rode their horse while big sister led them around.




I know that I'm still battling with all my inner thoughts of when Finny died. I know, deep down, that I cared for him as well as I could have. With hindsight, I know there were other things I could have done. But hindsight gives us knowledge, and I need to take that knowledge and move on.

I will quit beating myself up with the "what I didn't do" and the "what if's". I know now what I could have done different, and Finny still could have colicked. I could have been home and he could have colicked.

I guess the guilt is taking a long time to process. I'm not sure if the guilt will ever go away. Someone told me that I didn't fail him, that he and I did what I wanted him to do. Maybe then I'm more sad than feeling guilty, knowing that he was in pain. I know I made the right decision to stop his pain, and allow him to die peacefully, with me petting his neck. I hope, no, I know, that brought him some comfort.



So I'm still sad, and I know that will remain. As I talk to some friends that have lost favorite horses, they are still sad and get tears in their eyes, years later. Maybe I'm finally starting to heal, deep inside, as all the other emotions turned to sadness. I hope so, as I can deal with sadness. It was almost unbearable to deal with the guilt and anguish that I felt for a long time.

I can also start remembering Finny with fondness, as I always have this past 6 months, and not with the cloud of guilt over my head. With fondness, I can smile and remember our good times. As tears stream down my face now, this early Sunday morning, the emotions are coming out instead of staying bottled up inside my heart. The sadness can be replaced with acceptance of his death. I will always be sad, but now I can also start enjoying my memories of our rides, instead of always wanting to cry as I think of those rides.



Finny and I shared some awesome moments. We had wonderful rides. Finny took me a step further in understanding horses. We rode together as one. I left him lead and I matched my riding to his movement.

I will take what I learned from Finny, and give that to other horses. Now, I can start to have a part of Finny in each horse I ride.

Until we ride again....

The Store Closing

February 13, 2010
April 9, 2010

(I started this blog almost 2 months ago. Then I left it unfinished until now.)

I made the decision last fall to close the store. I didn’t make this decision in haste. I didn’t make it because all the kids were gone and I had no extra help, even though I do have help from the boys when I am in a bind, when I need help quickly. Actually, that would have been a reason to not close the store. If I have no extra help at the barn, then why not continue to sell feed and tack and all the other horsey items at the store? I didn’t make the decision because my trail riding horse, Finny, died, even though that is making me feel a little lost. I didn’t make it because Tom was working such long hours at work, and that is making me lonely at times. All of these reasons should be why I shouldn’t close the store.

I actually made the reason to close the store because I wanted to do more with horses, even though Tom works long hours and even though I don’t have the boys at home anymore to help me. Sara has been gone for almost 10 years since her college years started, except for a few summers. Jacob has been gone since he has been married almost 3 years ago. He did live at home for his last year of college and the year before he got married. Micah has been gone for a little over 3 years, since January of his Freshman year in college. He is now a Senior at UNL.

Don’t you ever feel that you’re not happy and you don’t know why? Sometimes, I don’t know what I want to do. I have a feeling of what I should do, so I need to move with that feeling. Sometimes, I’m feeling lost. The house is empty and the barn is empty. Sometimes I come home to emptiness and that makes me sad. I need something in my life, and I feel I’m on a search for that “something”.

I wanted to close the store to devote more time to horses. To really getting them trained. To dedicate more time to lessons. To study about horses and get into the mind of horses so that I can pass that knowledge on to my customers. And to develop a stronger bond and riding ability with my horses through Centered Riding.

The Tack Store was what I needed as the kids were leaving the house. I had something to keep me busy. And best of all, I was still doing something about horses. But now it’s time to move on.

Centered Riding is a Journey. Last summer, I felt complete. I felt that I found what completed me, both as a rider and as a woman. I felt “centered”. I felt at peace, and I felt a calmness surround me. I tried to concentrate on having that feeling engulf my whole life, especially when I was around my family.

Then Finny died and something inside me died. I’m still trying to dig myself out of that feeling. Maybe I never will. But if I want to have a life with horses, I need to get motivated. I knew that I couldn’t do that fully and still have the store. I was feeling lost, as I was a “woman without a horse”. Late last October, I made the decision to move on.

Closing the store brought some stress to my life. I knew I had to move on. I knew I had to get back outside. But closing the store was a lot of work. And the calmness that I gained through Centered Riding slowly left me through this past 6 months, and especially this last month. I completely lost my control on the last day of moving. That upset me very much. I felt that I was back to old ways, and I knew I wanted more out of life than to be upset over little things that happen along the way.

Everything from the store is in my house, in the horse trailer, and in the barn. I am slowly digging my way out of my lost feeling as I organize my mess. My barn office and lounge has a new coat of paint. My store office is being moved into my barn office. Some of the tack and product from the store will be organized in boxes in the lounge. As I move product out of the horse trailer and my basement, my house will slowly get organized again.

I am started to get my horse business revived. Lessons and training will start soon. But I haven’t started riding yet, and I need to make time for that. Last week was moving week, then we had Easter weekend. This week was cleaning and painting and starting to organize my mess. Next week is the week I’ll get back to riding. Starlet is waiting, and if any horse can motivate me, she can.

I feel some energy returning, as I’m getting up earlier the last 2 days. I haven’t set the alarm this week, as I knew my body needed rest. I’m starting to want to do something with the horses. I’m starting to want to schedule riding lessons. I’m starting to feel again.

My new logo is what is engraved on a Brighton’s Jewelry bracelet that I just recently purchased.

“Embrace the Journey”

Come along on the Ride - I promise I'll be riding soon!

Back to Riding, Without Finny

The Direct TV man left today, after hooking up 2 more tv’s (for a price that is less than what I have already been paying). The day was finally sunny and warming up into the 50’s. I decided it was time to get one of my other horses out to ride. I thought I was ready.

I had thought of working the 3 horses that I need to get back to riding. But the lots are a muddy mess, and I really didn’t want to deal with all of that mud on the horses today. Anyways, I had Jacob, Amber and Caden coming for supper, and I just didn’t want to be that rushed. I already had a pot roast in the crock pot, and was going to cook noodles in the broth about ½ hour before we were to eat. All I would have to do after I rode was to grain, fill a water tank, and feed dogs and cats.

I decided to take Starlet to the field. She needed the exercise! I should have weight taped her. I think she is at least 100, maybe 200 pounds overweight! I put my muck boots on and went into the lot to get her. She came quietly, I think due to anticipating a few bites of grass outside the gate. I tied her to the horse trailer, groomed and saddled her. All of the bridles had Finny’s CTR numbered tag on them. I removed the tag from one of the bridles and bridled Starlet.

I changed out of the muck boots and put riding boots on. I replaced my ball cap with my Troxel helmet. I mounted and rode out behind the barn. It has been awhile since I have ridden Starlet in the field, and she was heads up. She was a little goosey riding past the dogs. The edge of the corn field was a little soft, but not muddy.

I thought I would have a nice quiet, slow ride as Starlet is out of shape. As I rounded the 1st corner of the field, and started on the path that I should have been taking with Finny, his loss hit me again. I should have been riding Finny. It should have been Finny that I was taking to the field, enjoying a good, extended trot. The pain of losing him came out, and tears ran down my face.

I went on with my ride, remembering Finny. Places where he would just walk on, stopping to eat grass, Starlet was hesitant. Places where Finny went in to a lovely trot, Starlet was jigging. The sun was out, and I made myself look around me. Thinking of other things, or just watching where I was going, I didn’t want to remember and compare Starlet to Finny. I want to believe Finny is happy where he is. I want to appreciate riding Starlet again. Eventually, the tears stopped, and I rode on. After about an hour, I was back to the trailer, unsaddled, and put Starlet back into the lot with the other horses. I patted her and I think she understood how I felt, as she stood quietly.

After chores were done, I changed and washed my face. I brushed my hair back into a braid. I added the noodles to the beef broth, and set the table. The kids arrived and Tom came home from work. We enjoyed playing with Caden for awhile. When they left, I asked Tom for a hug. I told him that I had a bad moment in the field while I was riding. I needed to feel his pat on my back, telling me that everything will be all right.

I miss Finny and I always will. But I’ll get back to enjoying the other horses. I started today.

The rides might seem tough for awhile. I’ll need to go on more rides. Come along on the rides with me!

Turkey Creek ride

We had a cool day at Turkey Creek, near Newcastle, NE, but the scenery is gorgeous. These pictures just don't do the area justice. With the extremely cold weather last weekend, many leaves have already fallen from the trees. There is still color, but there seemed to be more color viewing the hills in person, than from these pics. Enjoy!

Turkey Creek riders,


and dogs.


We could see s view of the river from the tree tops.


The hills are rolling mounds of trees and shrubs, leveling out to grassy hilltops.


Some of the hills were gently rolling, others had very steep ups and downs.


We rode between the hills.


I rode Brenda W's Tennessee Walkers. They definately walked out and cruised up and down these hills.


More pics:








Turkey Creek will always be special for me. This is the place that I felt a great grief lift from my heart since Finny's death. I have always enjoyed riding hills and trees, as that is what I grew up with. I believe you always go back to the beginning. You go back to what you know when you were a child. To what you love. I love hills, and trees. I love the changing seasons. I love family. And I love horses. I have always loved horses. There are pictures of me when I was a child of 5 or 6 with our family pony. There are pictures of me through the rest of my childhood with horses. Horses will always be part of my life, my soul, my heart. My heart won't beat if there aren't horses in my life.

My heart is starting to beat again. I need horses in my life. I know there is another special horse out there for me. I know there is a horse out there that needs me. And I know there is a horse out there that I need. I will begin my search. I love the changing seasons.

The End of the First Week

Tomorrow is here! I had a beautiful ride at Turkey Creek, near Newcastle, Nebraska, Friday afternoon and this morning. My heart was singing. I love the hills and trees and scenery. I felt a weighted load of grief lift from my shoulders. I took some pics that I will post tomorrow. Finny is where he needs to be right now, and I am where I need to be right now. I am sad that Finny isn’t with me, I am glad that I didn’t bring any horses this weekend, and I am grateful that Brenda is sharing her horses with me. That has made the transition in riding a different horse easier for me.

I rode Brenda W’s Tennessee Walkers. They sure do move out. Two of the horses were only 3 year olds, but they were solid on the trails. I will continue to look at horses. I need to find the right horse that will replace Finny at CTR’s. I can take my time to do that.

I had moments of sadness. I was comfortable talking about Finny, as my friends talked to me about him. We shared stories and memories. But I was ready to leave. I left Saturday late afternoon. I didn’t need to stay longer. I think that when I realized that I would be traveling home at 5 pm, and Finny was gone for exactly a week, I was glad that I was by myself.

On the way home, at 5 pm, I was at the end of the first week since Finny died. The radio played songs that reminded me that I was saying goodbye to my friend. Vayos Con Dios, Go with God. A song came on the radio, "You're always in my heart, you're always on my mind" and those lyrics will be with me forever. When you need me, I'll be there...

Then I remember the hills and trees and scenery. I remember how I felt when the sadness and guilt and pain was gone. I felt that I was suppose to be here, today, remembering Finny. Finny would want me to enjoy my rides. I think he knew me as much as I knew him. I can’t live my life grieving for him and not riding. But I can live my life remembering Finny with a great love and thankfulness. I am eternally grateful for what Finny has taught me and for what we have done together.

I will always wish that I had more time with Finny. That saddens me tonight. I am crying as I write this. I miss what could have been. I miss that I could have made Finny greater than he was. I am sorry that I couldn’t have taken better care of him. I am sorry that I didn’t have many years with him, and that I could have shared him with my lesson kids and my grandchildren. He would have been an awesome lesson horse.

But tomorrow is here. What happened, has happened. I can’t change that, but I can move on. I pray that God is riding my horse, and I pray that Finny is helping the angels learn to ride. I want to dream that Finny is running across a field, ears perked, whinnying, because he sees me at the Golden Gate, and he is running to meet me.

The Week After: Day 6

Thursday, I was to ride at Turkey Creek with friends for 4 days with Finny. Ii didn't go on Thursday. Today, Friday, I am going to Turkey Creek, but without Finny. Yesterday, I wasn’t sure I could go. Yesterday, I wasn’t sure I could take another horse. I wasn’t sure I could load another horse into the horse trailer. This early Friday morning, I had decided I could take Chick, as she doesn’t need, nor want, extra attention. Until I saw how muddy she was. I emailed Brenda at TC to ask if I could just ride her horses, and that was fine with Brenda. I didn’t need to load a horse into the horse trailer. I’m glad, as I knew if I had to load a horse, it wouldn’t be Finny.

Turkey Creek is 3 hours away, near Newcastle, Nebraska. I don’t know what happened to the first hour. My thoughts were everywhere, from horses, to the store, to parents, to the future. The next thing I knew, I was north of Fremont and had driven an hour.

I called my parents. My dad was sick late Sunday night, the day after Finny died. He was flown to a Pittsburgh hospital with an a very elevated blood pressure, due to prostrate and urinary tract problems. Luckily, they were able to treat him, and his blood pressure returned to normal. He came home Monday morning, and saw more doctors that day and on Wednesday. He is still having problems and will return to the doctors on this coming Monday. My mother has slight dementia, but seems to be doing very well this week. I think that when she gets very tired, she sleeps very well for a week, and that week that she sleeps well, she has wonderful memory. My parents are aging. What does the future hold for them?

I called my friend Dianna. She had shoulder surgery on Monday and I wanted to see who she was doing. Her father is also sick. We talked about horses, and she shared a story with me about her special horse who had died, a beautiful palomino. She dreams of her horse, seeing her loping in a field, with her flaxen mane blowing in the wind.

As I drove north, there were 2 horses in a field. One Palomino. One Black. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, less than a ½ hour after I talked to Dianna. Chills went up and down my arms. The 2 horses were standing head to tail, caressing each other’s withers. I couldn’t believe that I had just got done talking with Dianna, and less than a ½ hour, I saw these 2 horses, standing in their pasture next to the highway. Is that a sign? Are those 2 horses now in heaven, comforting each other? Were they showing their owners that they are fine? And that we should be fine?

I continued to think of the future. I am distracted. At times, I remember that Finny isn’t with me and I am sad. At times, I think of CTR, and that I had been thinking of getting a gaited horse, and I am sad. Am I being disloyal? Is it time to think of another horse already? I have talked and emailed many friends this week. Everyone had been wonderful and understanding. When I think of getting another horse, it will make it seem like Finny is gone forever. Am I ready for that?

As I drove, I came to the conclusion that I could love again. I shouldn’t be afraid to give my heart away. A good friend lost her dog, but loved the breed so much that she got another one. She showed me that to love again is special. She is very sad for the puppy that she had to say goodbye to, but she has brought another special dog into her life. I could do the same with a horse. Just because I have another horse to love doesn’t mean that I love Finny any less. It means I could share more love with another special friend. And I shouldn’t be afraid to love another horse. I shouldn’t be afraid to share that special bond with another horse. It may not be the same type of love and bond, but it will be special for that horse, and that horse only.

I realized that each horse is special. I realized that each horse brings a specific love to our life. But more importantly, I realized that I can go on and share more love. There are so many horses out there that need us, just as much as we need them. I can find that horse that I can share a special bond with, just as my friend found her dog. Our next special friend helps us with our pain of losing our other friend. I lost a very special dog, Aggie, a long time ago. I still think of this special pet to this day, sometimes with tears in my eyes. She was my dog, a well mannered Springer Spaniel, who I had through my last year of college, early marriage, and with young children. To this day, I miss the connection that I had with her. I am ready to have another dog and have that same connection. Then I realized that is the same with Finny. I will miss him deeply, and forever. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have another horse that means to me what he means to me. Finny will always mean something special to me. I am just realizing how much he meant to me. Isn’t it a shame that we realize things like this when they are gone? And that makes me sad all over again. When will this sadness and the sense that I didn’t do enough leave me? Or will it make be a better person for the next horse and dog that I love?

God says that he won’t give us any more than we can handle. I don’t know how He could think that I could handle losing Finny. My heart was breaking, and I couldn’t breathe. I sobbed in agony. How did He think I was handling that? The messages that I received from friends helped immensely. Maybe losing Finny showed me how much friends should really mean to us. Maybe losing Finny will help me with someone who loses their riding partner. Maybe losing Finny has a meaning that I have yet to discover.

I don’t know how I could have handled anything more than this. Finny’s sudden death tore my heart apart. I need to think that Finny was needed somewhere else. I need to think that someone needed Finny more than me, and my heart breaks for them, as I know how much I need Finny. I pray that the angels are having a glorious time riding him.

I believe I am healing. I rode Brenda, from Turkey Creek, Tennessee Walking horses today. And I smiled and had a good time. The horses took me on a good ride. I looked at the hills, felt the movement of the horses, and realized that I was meant to be here. I rode ahead, pushing the young mare into her gait. I needed to feel, and to sense, that this was right. Jess’s horse, Tucker, wanted to walk out. We rode side by side for a lot of the ride. She is struggling with a sickness in the family. I think our horse feel our struggles, and help us. I pray that Jess, and her family, find strength and peace in the knowledge that they have many friends around them.

As I go to bed tonight, there are still many doubts. I still wonder and question what I could have done differently. I will always feel that I didn’t do enough for Finny. But I feel differently now. I am sad, but I am learning. And what I learn will hopefully prevent the next case of colic.

As I go to bed tonight, I am starting to have wonderful memories of Finny. I am seeing the future. When I wake up, that may be the start of a tomorrow. Tomorrow is coming. I just am not sure how I feel about that

We Love Our Horses because...

Starlet and Duster, May 2008

There are many reasons that I love horses. I have a lot of memories. Life was slower and simplier when we were kids, so I think we had more time to play then kids today. I think my first memories were of my brother, sister, and friends riding our ponies. I remember racing my brother to a tree out in the field, around the tree, and then back to the barn. We did fine racing to the tree, around the tree, and back to the barn, UNTIL the ponies didn't stop. They made a sharp L turn on the gravel driveway, and headed to the barn. I fell off onto the gravel. Ouch! I rode my pony to ball practice. I rode my horse to deliver newspapers! My pony had a foal and I raised my first baby. I loved sitting in the manger and watching my pony eat. I loved riding my pony, and later, my first horse, to the trails. I remember riding by myself all the time, through the hills and trees. Today, I prefer riding in a hilly, forest area. I taught my 3 children and husband to ride. My children grew up with the responsibility of caring for their horses and riding and practicing for events. Now they are responsible adults because of horses in their lives.

Why do I love horses? I love horses because they are honest and they let you know exactly how they feel. I love their smell. I love how a mare nickers to her young foal. I love riding a collected lope. I love loping in the fields and watching the horse perk his/her ears, anticipating a run. I love it when the horse walks up to you and wants you to rub its head. And most important, I love horses since, because of horses, I have wonderful friends!

Riding with friends at Ft. Rob, NE June 2008

Why do you love horses?

Come along on this memory ride with me! Brenda