I Cherish Your Memory

I cherish your memory.  Time has passed.  You were so strong, yet so delicate.  You were my little colt, orphaned at 1 month to turn into a tall black horse.  What a pistol as a weanling, yearling, 2 year old.  So small and so light on your feet that I could almost pull you over on the lunge line.  So graceful as a 3 and 4 year old.  So easy to ride.  Your lope was lovely.  I miss you so much.  I cherish the years we had together, even though so few, yet so meaningful.

 

Over the past 3 years, the grief has turned into pain, into heartache, into sadness and guilt and into so many questions.  Why?  Why now?  Why so soon?  Understanding comes in time.  I still don’t understand.  But I don’t grieve.  I am sad and my heart still aches.  But I can think of you without crying.  Even though a lump forms in my throat when I think like this.  I was able to hang a picture of you this year.  I have looked at photos of you and me.  Now I think of what we had and I don’t think so much of what we missed out on.  The good memories need to come so this terrible lump and tears forming in my eyes go away.  With time, comes acceptance.  I have accepted the fact that you are gone.  I just don’t like it though.  Sometimes, I catch myself just looking out into the fields and thinking and remembering.  I feel you there, even when I’m on a different horse. 

From http://www.searchquotes.com/quotes/about/Acceptance/

“Acceptance, though a hard thing to do, is an essential thing that helps you to improve in life. When you accept a friend as such with his plus and minuses, you gain friendship. When you accept a past deed, you prepare yourself to face the future, when you accept a situation, you become more comfortable. Acceptance is the essence of life and if we try to shun away from acceptance, life becomes a bed of thorns.

As K C Theisen said, acceptance is not submission; it is an acknowledgement of the facts of the situation. It also helps you to decide your future course of action. Those who accept things that cannot be changed are as wise as grass that grows in the riverbeds and those who refuse to accept are like trees there. When a storm blows, the grass accepts and survives but the tree falls to the power of the wind. Acceptance is an important character that we have to inculcate in us, to survive successfully in this world.”

I will love you forever.  I will miss you forever.  Until we can meet at Heaven’s Bridge and you can carry me home.  I’m not crying.  I look up to the heavens to watch you gallop by.

 

Finny

May 26, 2001 - October 10, 2009

When a Friend Hurts Because They Lost a Horse

This is an email that I just sent to a friend, because she lost a special horse:

I just read on HT's that you are having a hard time and I am so, so sorry for your sorrow. Right now, tears are streaming down my face as I think about how much your heart hurts, and as I think about Finny.  All I can say is that you will hurt for a long time, so cry as often as you can.

You will hurt for a long time and I think everyone needs something different to get over this hurt. I can't get over all the pain, and every time I think about this, my chest tightens, and there is a big lump in my throat, and my eyes water or there are tears. Finny is gone over 2 years now. And it hurts. Very much.

And it's ok to hurt, and to cry. And only you will know when it's time to say...   I need to get over this and move on. Pets die. Horses die. People die. We all know this. But we hurt so much when we lose those special ones. I've just now told myself to move on and get a horse who will make me happy. I've just started looking at the rest of my own horses differently, as they do make me smile now.

I think I'll always be sad because Finny died. And now tears are really streaming down my face. My heart hurts so much because he is gone. I know how much your heart hurts. and I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this pain.

But God gives us these special horses for a reason, and then he takes them home to be in his special stable. I'm praying that the angels are riding Finny and Red and Ginger, and all the others who have gone before them, and are enjoying them very much.

Maybe a little girl is up in Heaven, with that special horse that she has always wanted. And now I'm smiling, and my heart doesn't hurt. I'm smiling as I see Finny loping across those heavenly clouds with a little girl on his back, and she is laughing. Maybe you can have a special thought of Red in Heaven with a new special owner.

Please call if you ever need to. Many of us understand. We will all go through this because there are many of us with a special horse who have left us. 

Now as I think more about this, this is what has helped me to get over Finny:

Maybe what I am going through will help someone else.  God has put this hurt in my heart and soul for a reason, and I pray that I can help someone else.  Why else would we hurt so much?

There are many of us that hurt like this when we lose our special horse.  That really hasn't helped me to get over the pain, just to realize that many others understand the pain.

God wouldn't want me have this sorrow forever and to not share my love of horses and of riding by not riding.  And by not being excited about horses.  This is what is helping me the most.  God would want me to move on and to keep my love of horses alive.

The movie, The Christmas Hope, is on and it's about a mother and father who lost their son 2 years ago (in the movie). The Grandmother just told the mother that she can choose joy or despair, and to choose joy.  Maybe that is what I am going through, and everyone else who has lost a horse.  We need to choose how we feel.  And all at once, I don't feel sad, and I don't have tears, and all I'm hearing on the tv is to have joy.

There are many angels around us.  God speaks to us in so many different ways.  It's been 2 years since hubby and I have gone to church regularly (and not because of Finny).  We have a deep belief.  Today we went to church.  And now God is speaking to me through this friend and through this movie.

All I know is it is time to move on, to choose to love horses, to choose to ride, to choose to help others learn.  That is what I need to do.  I think Finny would want me to keep riding, even if it isn't him.  He would want me to continue where we ended.

I had the thought the other day that I will continue what Finny and I were doing, and take that training and move on to the next young horses.  I will work with other horses with what I've learned from riding Finny, but more importantly, what Finny has taught me.

God is with us and guiding us through our sorrow.  He will show us the way out and the way to happiness, to contentment, and to peace.

May the spirit of the Christmas Season be with you ... forever.

The Past 2 Years

Finny
May 26, 2001 - Oct 10, 2009

You're always in my heart, you're always in my thoughts.
I've missed you for 2 years now.
Thank you God, for giving me the time I needed to heal my broken heart.

I've come to understand the whys.
I've come to replace the grieve with acceptance.
I've replaced sadness with memories.

I will always miss you.
It's hard to believe that you had to be taken from me to teach me how much I loved you.
There was never any doubt.

Daily Inspiration and Motivation

When you understand that life is a test, you realize that nothing is insignificant in your life. Even the smallest incident has significance for your character development. Every day is an important day, and every second is a growth opportunity to deepen your character, to demonstrate love, or to depend on God. The good news is that God wants you to pass the tests of life, so he never allows them to be greater than the grace he gives you to handle them (1 Corinthians 10:13).” – Rick Warren

 

 

God Knows Best

Can I remember my thoughts of last night,

As I laid my head on the pillow

And thought about you.

Can I remember my thoughts of today,

When I rode the fields on a different horse,

Without you.

I miss you,

I always will,

But God knows best.

You’re in my thoughts always,

I wished I knew now,

What I should have known then.

As I ride another horse,

I remember what you have taught me,

And I always remember how you moved.

I raised you, yet you were taken from me,

I gave you the time you needed to mature,

Yet our time together was short.

I always remember your youth,

I always remember your lightness,

I always remember your time with me.

You're always in my heart,

You're always on my mind,

I’ll always remember you.

Keith Urban's Song:

"Only You Can Love Me This Way"

Well I know there's a reason
And I know there's a rhyme
We were meant to be together
That's why----
We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it's forever
You understand---

That you're always in my heart,
You're always on my mind
But when it all becomes too much,
You're never far behind
And there's no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
Cause only you can love me this way

I could have turned a different corner
I could have gone another place
Then I'd of never had this feeling
That I feel today, yeah..

And you're always in my heart,
Always on my mind
When it all becomes too much,
You're never far behind
And there's no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
Cause only you can love me this way.

And you're always in my heart,
You're always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much,
you're never far behind
And there's no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
Cause only you can love me this way

Only you can love me this way.

Coincidence

Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.

My daughter, Sara, is encouraging me to get over the sadness of Finny’s death. She understands what I am feeling, and she wants me to get past this stage of sadness, and to get to acceptance. She is encouraging me so that I can remember Finny fondly, with happy memories, and not of sadness and with tears.

Sara told me about a book, “Shack” by William Young that she listened to on tape. She said it would help me get beyond my grief to acceptance.

Hubby and I took a vacation recently. I took 2 books and read them both. On the return trip home, I picked up 2 books from the airport to read, you know, the romantic novel, easy reading, type.

I have a few favorite authors, including Richard Paul Evans. So I didn’t think anything when I picked up his book, “The Walk”, glancing at the back cover, reading the description, and bought it along with another book.

Little did I know how much this book would affect me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to read the book, “Shack”, that Sara has recommended, for awhile. This book was sad enough.

“The Walk” is about a man who loses his wife, his job, and his lifestyle. His wife had a terrible accident with a horse, and she died of complications. While I read about her pain, and her telling her husband that she was leaving him, my heart was in my throat. I had that lump that everyone talks about. I was afraid to do anything except to keep reading. If I did anything else, I would start crying. I didn’t dare talk out loud.

The husband lost his wife, and then lost his business to a lousy partner. He lost his home to foreclosure. He decided to walk as far away as he could from Seattle, Washington. That destination was The Keys, Florida. I had a Great-Aunt who lived in Key West. Coincidence again?

How could losing a horse compare to losing a loved one? I don’t know the answer to that. I’m sure it doesn’t compare. Maybe the question should be “how can one who has suffered a loss, heal”? I’m sure there are those who don’t think a broken heart from losing a pet or a horse can compare to a broken heart from losing a loved one. All I know is that I lost a dear Grandmother, a Father-in-law, a Brother-in-law, and the pain is the same. Right now, I’m thinking that the pain I feel is different, and I know it is different, and it is deeper. I knew I was losing my Grandmother Ruth. I knew my husband was losing his brother and his dad. I didn’t know I was losing Finny. I didn’t know how much he touched my heart.

Maybe then, the difference was that I felt “at lost”. Maybe now I’m getting over the grief. Maybe I’m getting over the guilt. I do know that I could have done more, but at the time of year that Finny died, I know now that it shouldn’t have mattered. Maybe I’m starting to get over the guilt. Especially when I read about a man who loses his beloved wife. How can it compare to that. And should it?

Getting back to the book, “The Walk”, the husband lost everything. And he is in pain. He lost his wife, who was his best friend from the age of 8. He decided to walk away as far as he could. And he started his walk.

This book is about the first part of his walk. This is a series, and there will be more books. I can’t imagine his pain. He lost his wife, his best friend. He started walking so that he couldn’t feel the pain. Until nighttime. Then he felt the pain of being alone. I know his pain. I know the emptiness that he is feeling.

I read this book, thinking that, as I was reading, this was the book that Sara was talking about. But it's not, and I'm not sure I could read the other book if it's a sad book.

Maybe I'm looking for answers. Maybe I'm looking for the way to heal. Maybe I'm looking for forgiveness. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore.

Doesn’t anyone understand? I tried to do my best, and my best wasn’t enough? That isn’t a good feeling. And I need to get beyond that, because now, I am understanding and feeling and knowing that isn't true.

Alan, the man in the book, began his walk. I’m sure his heart was heavy. Before his walk, he got his wife’s pills and he was going to take them, to stop his pain. But he stopped, because he promised his wife he would live. And the only way he could live without her is to walk as far away as he could from where he lived with her.

I am learning to live without Finny. I got another horse of a different breed and that wasn’t what I should have done. It was an important step, but not the right one. That horse was the first step to healing my heart, and I will always remember her for that. Now it’s time to move on.

Just like Alan who is walking his way into healing. I will ride my way into healing.

Yes, Sara, God only gives us what we can handle. I can now handle this grief which has turned into acceptance, and one day, will turn into (and now I pause to figure out the what) fond memories.

Thank you, God, for the time you gave me with Finny. I still hurt, and the tears still come, but only you know the reason. And in time, your plan will be revealed to me.

There is a reason why this is taking me so long to get over. I am now willing to wait for you to reveal that to me. Will another horse come into my life that will mean as much to me as Finny did, and without his death, would not have meant anything to me? Would another horse come into my life to give more meaning and purpose to my life with horses? Then that makes me wonder why Finny had to suffer, and that makes me sad all over again. Do you understand what I am going through? The torture? What the cause of his death did to me? Could it have been prevented?

Finny’s death can not compare to the death of a loved one. I know that. And I know that, with life, comes death. When and how is the question.

Knowing that all things die and they go to meet our Maker, is what makes death bearable. I am getting over the guilt of not being able to preserve Finny’s life on earth longer. My Maker wanted him in Heaven for a reason. Finny being away from me hurts me more than you know, and that I can type, and the realization of that has tears running down my face, but my Lord knows best.

My heart is in my throat again. The pain is almost unbearable, and I question the reasoning. My Lord, why? When so much good could have come from him living. And the sobs come.

I don’t have the answers. Except there is a reason. Far greater than we can know.

But my heart aches. And I want to heal. Lord, help me heal.

Maybe that is what He is waiting for. For me to ask Him for help.

And after a few moments of that sinking in, and asking why, I feel a peace.

Lord, help me heal, and be at peace.

And like I told Sara, and what I truly believe, everything happens for a reason.

Lord, with your ultimate wisdom, I don’t understand, but someday I will. Finny died for a reason. I pray that it makes me a better horse woman. Compassionate. Patient.

I will pass on whatever I learn. Please teach me and show me what you want me to teach.

I am tired of grieving. I want to heal. I want to remember Finny with fond memories and not tears, and I will.

Please, God, whatever you want to reveal to me, please do so, so that my heart can heal and that I can teach others.

Your wisdom should be what we all strive for.

I don’t think I’ll be able to read “The Shack”.

Finny's Farewell Book

My daughter, Sara, Made me a Farewell Book of Finny. I just love this first pic, as it shows his soft eye, during a fun ride time we had one day in the field, on a warm fall day. I'll always remember that day, taking pictures as I rode. She wanted this book to be a surprise, but she needed me to send her some info. Finny's CTR judge's cards, maps of the places that I rode, the sympathy cards and thoughtful notes from friends, and from others who only knew me by the big black horse I rode. This book will always have a special place on a shelf, as Finny will always have a special place in my heart.

Thank you, Sara and Tom, and others, who are helping me to get over Finny's death. The sadness is being replaced with fond memories.

Finny's Farewell Book...

When is the Time

“Be ready for anything’
Because love could happen when you least expect it”
That is what the Hallmark movies tell us.

Even when you don’t even know it is happening,
The bond grows
And love happens, even when you don’t realize it,
But then the love can be taken away.

After the sadness, came denial,
But I never had denial,
As the death was final,
And I had no reason to doubt that he was no longer with me.

There is anger and guilt.
But I never had anger,
Because there was plenty of guilt.
Since I felt like I should have prevented his death.

There was no sickness, there were no symptoms.
That left only his health to make me aware that something was wrong,
He should have been healthy, he showed no signs,
Because I was the safety net.

I should have prevented the death,
I was taking care of him, and all the others.
Why should he die and the others were fine.
What was different? What was wrong?

Why didn’t I see that something was wrong?
I knew he was nervous, but I rode him calmly.
He should have had as much fun as I did.
But his fun was in the field, and not in the competition,
And I should have seen that.

It still makes me sad that I didn’t see that he wasn’t happy,
Did I cause his death?
He carried me to the end of that last ride,
And I am sad that I didn’t know

That something was wrong.
That he was dying
And all I could see
Was the great ride that we were having.

What a great horse he was
To give me that last ride
When he was in so much pain
But yet finish with ears perked and with a great stride.

I knew we had a great ride,
But at the moment
Didn’t understand how great it was
Until it was all over.

I’m beginning to understand,
But I’m still sad,
And maybe I won’t totally understand
Until the sadness is gone.

When will the sadness leave,
And the understanding takes its place,
along with acceptance,
And peace.

I miss you, Finny.

Sunrise From an Airplane

The whole horizon is seen, from as far east as you can see to as far west,
After the dark night sky begins to lighten
From deep dark blue, with a few stars shining through
To royal blue, bright and brilliant, my favorite color
Turning to light blue, the color of my grandbabies eyes
On to the lightest blue, that of baby blue,
Then to mint green, and odd color that I wouldn’t have thought I would see in a sunrise,
Changing to a very pale yellow, softly mixing with the orange, turning to a yellow orange
Which is florescent orange, brilliant and so pretty against the night sky.
Orange-red to red-orange,
The red is almost a magenta color, with a hint of purple.
But there is only a dark purple line on the horizon,
Framing the dark earth.

The layers of the orange just astound me with their colors. So brilliant, the orange is making up almost ¾ of the sunrise.
The bright blue sky is getting larger as the black night sky is disappearing.
The stars are gone as the sky lightens.

The sunrise lasted a long time as I’m flying south. I’m glad to have had a window seat facing east. I really need to make myself get up earlier to see more sunrises.

This one is spectacular.
And so inspirational.

The light is reflecting off the clouds as the lowest layers of clouds are taking on the orange hue. The sky is lightening as the orange lessons and the yellow color widens. Royal blue is becoming lighter until it reaches the lighter blue of the morning sky.

As I take a deep breath, I feel relaxed.
I had started to daydream, enjoying the peace.
I had just been thinking of Finny and I know he is at peace.

Among the clouds, God is talking to me.
I need to listen to what He is saying.
I hear, “enjoy the horse/s you have and enjoy them to the fullest. When they leave you, they are with me.
And they are safe.”

And the sky lightens and the sun starts to shine.
Morning is here.
A new day begins.
And the mourning is over,
With a new resolution and understanding begins.

Thank you, God, for my morning inspirational devotion.

With the clouds below me, I feel like I am in the heavens.
If I close my eyes, maybe I can feel Finny beneath me.
my galloping friend.
The clouds below seem like they would make a very soft bedding.
But I can’t sit here and reflect and remember too long,
As it still makes me sad.

And the sun suddenly appears very bright and obvious, sending it’s glow along the horizon.
Maybe there is something obvious in front of me that I just need to be able to see.
There is a sun that will spread its sunshine around me, warming me, and making me smile at its beauty.

That thought makes my heart not so sad anymore.
When I think of Finny, maybe I need to think about the sun.
Always there every day, whether we see it or not.
Always warming my heart.
Always brightening my emotions and soul.

The sunrise colors are gone and the sun is here.
A new day is in front of me.

Finny Baby Pics

Finny, 1 month,

then he was orphaned. The mare died of colic at the breeders. Older mother, stress at breeding, young colt.

Finny grew into a little yearling,

my little guy grew into a 15.3 handsome fella.

7 years later, he was gone. But not without lots of memories.


I just love my smile in this photo!

Christmas Gift about Finny

My daughter, Sara, is putting together or making me something for Christmas. About Finny. She wanted this as a surprise, but she recently told me that Dad wasn’t getting her the info she needed. I told her that I was glad to know for 2 reasons. Opening a present like that without any prior knowledge would have been a shock. But more importantly, I wouldn’t want anyone to touch my book of Finny’s things. I’m sure you know what that means to me. She said she tried getting help from some of my trail riding friends, but they told her that only I have the cards and that there isn’t anything online. She had to tell me, and I’m so glad I did. I may need this month so that I can open the gift.

I don’t know what she is doing, but I had to scan and send her everything I had on Finny. The CTR judge’s cards. The Certificates for placing. I added maps of the places that I have ridden him. I added his number with some ribbons.

I handled that ok, as I recently finished his CTR book. I had to put the last day of CTR cards and certificates in it, then I was done. It only took me a year to do that, and I finished that this fall. But I can look at his cards and read the remarks about our obstacles now, without tearing up. I’m still sad, of what could have been, but glad to read the comments now.

Then, last night, she asked if I wanted to scan and send the cards and notes that people sent me. Oh, my heart was in my throat just thinking about it. I could hardly swallow. Seeing his cards were one thing, but re-reading what everyone wrote to me was another thing. I wasn’t sure I could read them. And how could you look at the cards and emails without seeing even some of the words. I wasn’t sure that I could handle that.

But today I got thinking about that. I had been wanting to go back to those dates and print off the emails that people sent me, to add to the package of sympathy cards. I felt that today was the day that I should do that, or it may not get done. Then as I was printing off the emails to add to his book, I forwarded them on to Sara, to add to her project. That way, I tackled 2 things at once. I don’t think I could have done this twice, on 2 different days. The cards are scanned and sent. The emails are copied off and forwarded on to her. I was just careful to not to read to many of the messages, or to read too much of any one message. Tears came a few times, and I had to walk away from the copier a few times, but the emails are printed off now. Then I made another file in my email area, just for Finny. And I moved everything about him from my inbox to his own file. When I want to look at them the next time, I don’t have to search back to that date in my inbox. I don’t need to be reminded of that date, even though I will never forget it.

My chest was heavy. My heart felt like it was beating too fast and too hard at times. My eyes ached, not from too many tears but from a tiredness that lies behind them. I don’t want to think about Finny anymore, or I’ll start crying….

Sara wants me to find pictures of when he was young, when he was orphaned at a month. When he was a little thing, so friendly yet so wild about things when he wanted to play. :-)))
He was a little thing, in body and in height. As a yearling, he would act up on the lunge line, even though I could almost pull him over, even during his 2nd and 3rd year. Then one day, during the fall when he was 3, he quit acting up and I rode him for 30 days. I rode him the next spring, of his 4th year for 30 days, then left him alone for summer. In the fall of that year, I started riding him to the field, and the rest is history…

It makes me smile to think of him as that little guy. And it makes me smile to think how much fun we had riding the fields during the fall of his 4th and 5th years. After those years, he was my trail horse. He was always with me. And he always will be.

This is a very thoughtful gift that Sara is working on, and I look forward to seeing it. I just may not be able to look at all of it, all at once. And if I cry, and I’m sure Sara will cry, too, I’m sure the tears will be happy tears.

Maybe it’s a good thing to be working on all of this and seeing it now. I may be prepared to see the gift at Christmas. I may not be as sad as I would have been. Working on getting the info to Sara has made me look at everything again, and every time I look at something of Finny’s, it gets easier. Maybe it will be easy to see Finny’s accomplishments and how he affected other’s lives.

Maybe I will be smiling…

One Year Later, “The Change”

One year has already passed since I lost Finny. Everyone said, “Give it time.”

I don’t know how I feel about this any more. Some days I feel empty to any feelings. Some days, I can still cry. A few friends emailed me this week to see if I needed to talk, but that is one thing I can’t do this week. I do know that I can’t talk about Finny. Not this week.

I’ve realized many things over the last year. It was ok to be sad for a very long time. It’s ok to continue to be sad. It was ok to be angry, guilty, depressed, lonely. Those feelings have subsided and have been replaced with an acceptance and an emptiness.

It was also ok to move on. Enjoy another horse. Go back to trail riding and competing. It was ok to continue on with what I love. And it was ok not to feel guilty.

That was the hardest thing to accomplish this year. The guilt hung on like a splinter under the nail. It would throb and hurt some days. I wouldn’t feel it for a few days. Then I would do something and hurt the nail again, and the pain would be awful. More awful than it had been before. But eventually, the splinter is gone, so was the guilt.

A peace is settling into me. I didn’t feel it until today (the 9th), the day before the anniversary date that I probably will never forget. The peace might be coming from the fact that I’m driving through the Pennsylvania hills, back home for my parent’s 65th Anniversary party. As I look out the car windows, and see the changing colors, I feel a change in me. Just as the seasons come and go, and just as the trees change into majestic colors, the colors deepen into a brown, die, and fall off the trees. There is always the hope, no, more than hope, there is the reality that there will be color again.

Some things are always there. The trees are always here. The fall colors in western PA are always here. Always breathtaking beautiful. There is always a change.

There will always be horses. There will always be death. There will always be a breathtaking beautiful horse. There will always be a change.

In the last year, I have come to accept that. I don’t like death. No one does. But now I can look forward to the change. I can start to feel the change that Finny had in my life. He has made me see that every horse is special.

Just like the leaves are becoming more colorful as I travel north, so are the changes in my soul changing. I love these hills. I love what the hills do for me. I love horses. I love what horses do for me.

I just told my husband, Tom, that even though we have seen these hills and changing colors for our first 22 years that we lived here and went to college, and then for the next 6 years while we lived in PA and Michigan, it seems like we have never seen these colors before. They are so bright. I am struck by this beautiful scenery.

Having Finny in my life feels like that. I feel like I didn’t have a special horse in my life. I just rode. Then, as I look around me, now I see all the special horses. Now, I remember the fall colors that I grew up in, and now I see the beauty that was inside Finny.

Thank you, God, for my time with Finny. Thank you for putting him in my life. One of the saddest poems I read a year ago, was that You needed my horse for the angels to ride. I cried so hard when I read that. Now that thought brings a smile to my face. Finny has the life that he deserves. He has the kindest riders riding him now. And he is looking down at me while I’m driving through these beautiful hills, sharing the color and beauty of the day with me.

Until I can ride you in Heaven, my Friend. I will always love you, your gorgeous black coat and face with the large white blaze, your fabulous lope, your heart.

I’m home and now, in my heart, I know that you are too. Have a fantastic run today among the clouds. I hope you think about me as much as I think about you.

Some Day

I am going on a trail ride to Turkey Creek this weekend. It has me thinking, and it has me a little sad. This is the first place I went to after Finny died. I’m having bitter sweet feelings tonight. I am taking Savannah, who happened to be raised by the people who own Turkey Creek. Coincidence? Maybe. I feel like I am going full circle. I don’t want to think about it, I just want to relax, and forget that terrible day,10 ½ months ago. Forgive me for still feeling this way, but hopefully by the end of this post, I feel the peace that I need to have inside me to get over this hurt that I still carry somewhere inside me.

Some day… I keep telling myself, some day….

Some day, you are going to forgive yourself. For all of those things that happen and that you didn‘t have any control over. For all the things that couldn’t happen to save him. For all the things you had to do after it happened. And for all the things you hated doing.

Some day, you are going to understand. Why did it happened? Why couldn’t you prevent it? Why couldn’t he get better? Yes, you did the things that you did. Why didn’t you do what you should have done? Why didn’t you do what you had planned to do?

You have hated that day. The Sickness. The Death. The Finality of it all.

That day your heart did break. Into two. Into many pieces. You felt as if it will never heal. You think about the sadness, and your heart breaks in two again. And the hurt and pain and sadness starts all over again.

For many days, you are in pain. The pain that sinks down into your core. Pain that doesn’t go away, no matter how long you cry. Or don’t cry. Pain, and depression, and an overwhelming sadness lasts, and lingers, forever it seems.

Some day you are going to be sad all day. Many days of sadness. Months. And months. Maybe not all day long, but part of each day. And slowly the sadness begins to lessen.

Some day you are going to hurt less. The sadness starts to go away. But the little hurt is always there. There is always a dull pain. Always a little “something” in its place. An emptiness that begins to grow. And something more grows. A desire to fill the emptiness.

Slowly the sadness and pain leave. Acceptance and understanding takes their place. There is the beginning of the peace that is necessary to calm my soul.

Some day you are going to like yourself again. Because you have forgiven yourself.

And some day you are going to love again. And find another special horse in your life.

And with that love becomes another special bond with a special horse.

Is some day… today?

Another horse has come into my life. He is extra special because he has helped me through the difficult time of losing a loved soul mate. He has always been here, waiting his turn. He is quiet, and kind. He makes me think that he knows how I feel. But how can he? He lost a pasture mate, too. Are horses sad when one of their buddies leave them too?

And now the realization that everything that I had to go through on that fateful day, and since, has brought me this wonderful horse who is so gentle, and kind, and caring.

I am grateful for you, my new friend. You have made me discover the peace that was buried deep in my soul. You have given me a reason to move on.

And so continues the circle of my life with horses. The love and excitement for one horse, to pain and hurt, to understanding and forgiveness, to a life with love and excitement for another new horse.

It is a journey which is hard to embrace at times. But a journey that you need to embrace with your whole being, because, if not, when the terrible things happen, it will devastate you. You have horses embedded deep in your soul and you will not be whole again until you continue your journey.

No matter what happens, “Embrace the Journey!” The peace will be there when you least expect it. Search for it. You will find it.

I am whole again. I feel it. I will always miss you, Finny, but Shaggy is helping me through my pain. I remember you with fondness now.

A NATRC's rider sad news today

A NATRC rider just posted that she had to put her horse down, due to a broken leg he received in his lot. Once again, thoughts are on Finny. Here was my words to her:

"I am so sorry to hear this. I know how you feel, as it just about ripped my heart out when I had to put my horse down last Oct due to colic. I was sad for a very long time. I couldn't ride where I rode him. Every time I thought I was over the hurt, something would happen and I would start hurting again. I feel better now, and not as sad as I used to be. I will always miss him. But I have a lump in my throat now. So I try to think of something that makes me happy about him, or a ride we had. That took a long time to be able to do.

If you ever need to just express how you are feeling on any different day, just email me. It does still help to have someone send me a special saying, or think about me, or just ask. I miss my horse dearly, as I know you do.

It does take time. I felt guilty for a long time. Don't go there. We all do the best we can with the circumstances that we have at the time. Would I do things different now? yes, we all would. But now we take that knowledge and move on.

hugs,
Brenda

When I think things are better, news like this make me feel very sad all over again. Friends have told me that years later, they still ache for that special horse that was in their life. Now that Finny is gone, I must say he had to have been very special to me, without my realizing it, until he was gone.

Isn't life like that sometimes? We need to see what is truly important and appreciate it. A friend's post to me said what I always believe, "Things happen for a reason".

After Finny was gone, I couldn't ride. I think I only rode 3 times in 6 months. Then I started to hurt less, and I started looking at Shaggy. I have always liked how he looked. Now he is the horse I have as I continue my Centered Riding journey. This feels right.

I had looked at some gaited horses over the last 8 1/2 months, but there wasn't one that seemed quite right. I looked at Savannah, and even though she was only 4, I liked the way she stood quiet. I liked the way that the rider rode her. And I liked how I knew the breeder and knew how well the breeder took care of her horses. I didn't hesitate and Savannah came home with me that day to start a trail riding/CTR career with me. This feels right also.

I have one more big decision to make and it is about my stud. I know what I want to do. I think I am just waiting on timing. We bred 2 mares, and I'll see if they are in foal. Or maybe I need to wait until they are on the ground and rebreed. Then I would like Duke to be my horse that I will take dressage/English lessons on. I have always heard, and believed, that dressage principles can be applied to any style of riding. Centered Riding wants us to work on our own education, and I can't think of any better horse I want to ride than Duke. For those who have heard me talk of him, I have been thinking of gelding him for many years. He is the horse to continue my education on and to work on dressage. I think the time has come and this feels right.

I didn't think I would type so much. But when something happens in your life that makes you think, then you better stop and think. The death of another good horse that has someone hurting as much as I hurt is sad. But it makes me realize what I do have in my life. Shaggy was here and I probably wouldn't be at where I am with him if Finny hadn't died. I may not have bought Savannah, but bought a different horse last fall. I may continue to put Duke on the back burner.

We all can say that when we hear of death, we appreciate what we have even better. Every day I work with horses, I need to remember this. I can share the love I had of riding Finny, and for Finny, with many other horses. Every day I work with horses, I want to tell myself that God has given me a gift and I need to use it to the best of my ability. He has given many of us this gift. Our love of horses.

Horses are our Lives. I'll blog more about this on my blog,
http://myblog-horsesareourlives.blogspot.com/

Become a friend.

"Embrace the Journey!"
Brenda

Memory/Tribute Book

I've been thinking of something since Finny died, and I'm still thinking of this, so maybe it is time to do something now. I was thinking of putting together a tribute book. A tribute to the ones we loved and lost. A collection of stories of our horses, what they meant to us. Special horses come and go, sometimes they die and sometimes we have to sell them, and sometimes they belong to someone else and one day they are gone.

Whatever the situation, if you would like to have your story in a memory book, send your story to me with your permission to reprint. I think I am ready to do this, as this part of my journey will help me to heal.

hugs, everyone.
I don't know what is wrong with my these days.
Hormones and Menopause are doing a number on me! That along with lack of a good night sleep.

All I know is that I have to "Embrace the Journey!"
Brenda

More Thoughts about Finny

Yes, it's been 6 months since Finny has been gone. I need to finish what I started writing about last night. I just didn't get all my thoughts from the last 2 days down, as it was late and I was tired last night.

I spent all day outside yesterday. My 2 boarders and I wormed and vaccinated 10 horses in the morning. This year, we vaccinated for rabies as there have been 3 confirmed cases in our county in the last few months.

Then I spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon clearing and burning brush. I wanted to get organized in my barn office next week, and my husband and Jacob hung 3 cupboards for me. Jacob, Amber and Caden stayed, and friends came to have hamburgers on the grill. Afterwards, the 2 little ones rode their horse while big sister led them around.




I know that I'm still battling with all my inner thoughts of when Finny died. I know, deep down, that I cared for him as well as I could have. With hindsight, I know there were other things I could have done. But hindsight gives us knowledge, and I need to take that knowledge and move on.

I will quit beating myself up with the "what I didn't do" and the "what if's". I know now what I could have done different, and Finny still could have colicked. I could have been home and he could have colicked.

I guess the guilt is taking a long time to process. I'm not sure if the guilt will ever go away. Someone told me that I didn't fail him, that he and I did what I wanted him to do. Maybe then I'm more sad than feeling guilty, knowing that he was in pain. I know I made the right decision to stop his pain, and allow him to die peacefully, with me petting his neck. I hope, no, I know, that brought him some comfort.



So I'm still sad, and I know that will remain. As I talk to some friends that have lost favorite horses, they are still sad and get tears in their eyes, years later. Maybe I'm finally starting to heal, deep inside, as all the other emotions turned to sadness. I hope so, as I can deal with sadness. It was almost unbearable to deal with the guilt and anguish that I felt for a long time.

I can also start remembering Finny with fondness, as I always have this past 6 months, and not with the cloud of guilt over my head. With fondness, I can smile and remember our good times. As tears stream down my face now, this early Sunday morning, the emotions are coming out instead of staying bottled up inside my heart. The sadness can be replaced with acceptance of his death. I will always be sad, but now I can also start enjoying my memories of our rides, instead of always wanting to cry as I think of those rides.



Finny and I shared some awesome moments. We had wonderful rides. Finny took me a step further in understanding horses. We rode together as one. I left him lead and I matched my riding to his movement.

I will take what I learned from Finny, and give that to other horses. Now, I can start to have a part of Finny in each horse I ride.

Until we ride again....

It's been 6 Months

Good bye, Finny. It has been 6 months since you have been gone. I miss you. But I have to move on if I want a life with horses. I will miss you always, as I will always feel that there was a lot that you could have taught me.

I have been sad, mostly because I felt that I have failed you. I should have cared for you better.

I will always miss what we never had. I will always be grateful for what you have taught me.

I am looking forward to loping you in heaven,

Until then, my friend.

Final Goodbye Tribute to Finny

NOT GOODBYE, BUT SO LONG...



I’ll end the year with a final goodbye tribute to my wonderful riding partner of 5 years, Finny. I always want to remember the good times that I had with him. I didn’t know it until he died, but he was as much a part of me as my heart is. We were bonding really well together. I knew what he felt and I tried to give him what he needed when we rode. When he died, part of my heart died. Now the memories are healing my sorrowed heart. More importantly, Finny’s memories are helping me to love horses again, for what they can be in our lives.



He lived a short 8 years, first as an orphan at 1 month, to a scrawny yearling, then on to those terrible 2’s. We made sure not to treat him as a pet and kept him in with the other mares and babies. Finny was friendly, but a little pistol when he wanted his own way. On the lunge line as a yearling and 2 year old, if he would act up and I pulled too hard on the line, he would almost fall over. As a 3 year old in the spring, he acted the same way with a saddle on while lunging. I put him away until fall, spent 30 more days lunging him, watching him act up, wondering if he was ever going to be good. Then 1 day, he acted great and I decided to step up on him. I rode him ever since that day.

Finny, this spring, fat and needing to get into condition!


As an orphan, I made sure to feed him well, supplementing with alfalfa and a youth grain. He grew from a 13 hand yearling, to a 14 hand 2 year old, to a 15 hand 3 year old, to mature out at 15.3. I rode him in the fields as a 4 year old, going through tree lines, over ditches, through water. He didn’t like to step down into small ditches or go through water. We worked on all the ditches in the field, and especially on 1 small ditch that he wanted to jump. It took a year, but we could finally walk through anything. He would always veer away from mucky ground if he could, knowing where he should step and where he shouldn‘t.



The water was another training time that went slowly for a year. Finny went from being scared of even putting feet into water to ears perked while he splashed around. The drains on the field’s terraces were a great training ground. One day, the fields dried up but there was a lot of water around the drains. We rode around one of the big water holes, circling the muddy edges, closing the distance between dry ground and muddy ground. After about 45 minutes, as he neared the very edge of the muddy water, he was relaxing and I turned him directly into the water. When he realized he was in the water, he splashed from end to end. I moved him onto dry ground, circling the muddy edges once again, but only after 2 circles, as I turned him toward the water, he went right in. We stayed longer in the water, moving back and forth. The following day, he went directly into the water. What an accomplishment for Finny!



I will always have the special memories of the last 2 years. Conditioning rides in the fields, long trotting in 2 point position to feel his every movement.


Tom and I spent part of a week at Ft Rob, NE with Finny and another horse.


Riding CTR’s for 2 years, being in competition with the mileage and obstacles.


And this year was the best, realizing, while riding Finny in the Centered Riding Clinics and in the Instructors Course, that I found what I wanted to do with him.


Our riding and understanding of each other clicked when there was no other pressure except riding centered.

Finny helped me to realize what I wanted to teach in my training program and what type of instructor I wanted to be.



Finny taught me how I should be training horses.

I will always be so grateful for having Finny in my life and what he showed me.



God Jumps
printed with written permission by Lauren Davis Baker

God gives us horses and compels some of us to love them. Yet why does the horse, an animal with such a big heart, live such a short life? Perhaps it's because if our horses lived any longer, we wouldn't be able to bear losing them. Or, perhaps it's because God wants to jump.

Perhaps God looks down on the fine horses we raise and decides when it's His turn to ride. He gives us a few good years to care for and learn from them, but when the time is right, it's up to us to see them off gracefully.

O.K., perhaps not gracefully. Blowing into a Kleenex is rarely graceful. But we can be grateful.

To have a horse in your life is a gift. In the matter of a few short years, a horse can teach a girl courage, if she chooses to grab mane and hang on for dear life. Even the smallest of ponies is mightier than the tallest of girls. To conquer the fear of falling off, having one's toes crushed, or being publicly humiliated at a horse show is an admirable feat for any child. For that, we can be grateful.

Horses teach us responsibility. Unlike a bicycle-or a computer-a horse needs regular care and most of it requires that you get dirty and smelly and up off the couch. Choosing to leave your cozy kitchen to break the crust of ice off the water buckets is to choose
responsibility. When our horses dip their noses and drink heartily, we know we've made the right choice.

Learning to care for a horse is both an art and a science. Some are easy keepers, requiring little more than regular turn-out, a flake of hay, and a trough of clean water. Others will test you-you'll struggle to keep them from being too fat or too thin. You'll have their feet shod regularly only to find shoes gone missing. Some are so accident-prone you'll swear they're intentionally finding new ways to injure themselves.

If you weren't raised with horses, you can't know that they have unique personalities. You'd expect this from dogs, but horses? Indeed, there are clever horses, grumpy horses, and even horses with a sense of humor. Those prone to humor will test you by finding new ways to escape from the barn when you least expect it. I found one of ours on the front porch one morning, eating the cornstalks I'd carefully arranged as Halloween decorations.

Horses can be timid or brave, lazy or athletic, obstinate or willing. You will hit it off with some horses and others will elude you altogether. There are as many "types" of horses as there are people-which makes the whole partnership thing all the more interesting.

If you've never ridden a horse, you probably assume it's a simple thing you can learn in a weekend. You can, in fact, learn the basics on a Sunday-but to truly ride well takes a lifetime. Working with a living being is far more complex than turning a key in the ignition and putting the car in "drive."

In addition to listening to your instructor, your horse will have a few things to say to you as well. On a good day, he'll be happy to go along with the program and tolerate your mistakes; on a bad day, you'll swear he's trying to kill you. Perhaps he's naughty or perhaps he's fed up with how slowly you're learning his language. Regardless, the horse will have an opinion. He may choose to challenge you (which can ultimately make you a better rider) or he may carefully carry you over fences-if it suits him. It all depends on the partnership-and partnership is what it's all about.

If you face your fears, swallow your pride, and are willing to work at it, you'll learn lessons in courage, commitment, and compassion in addition to basic survival skills. You'll discover just how hard you're willing to work toward a goal, how little you know, and how much you have to learn. And, while some people think the horse "does all the work", you'll be challenged physically as well as mentally. Your horse may humble you completely. Or, you may find that sitting on his back is the closest you'll get to heaven.

You can choose to intimidate your horse, but do you really want to? The results may come more quickly but will your work ever be as graceful as that gained through trust? The best partners choose to listen, as well as to tell. When it works, we experience a sweet sense of accomplishment brought about by smarts, hard work, and mutual understanding between horse and rider. These are the days when you know with absolute certainty that your horse is enjoying his work.

If we make it to adulthood with horses still in our lives, most of us have to squeeze riding into our oversaturated schedules; balancing our need for things equine with those of our households and employers. There is never enough time to ride, or to ride as well as we'd like. Hours in the barn are stolen pleasures.

If it is in your blood to love horses, you share your life with them. Our horses know our secrets; we braid our tears into their manes and whisper our hopes into their ears. A barn is a sanctuary in an unsettled world, a sheltered place where life's true priorities are clear: a warm place to sleep, someone who loves us, and the luxury of regular meals.
Some of us need these reminders.

When you step back, it's not just about horses-it's about love, life, and learning. On any given day, a friend is celebrating the birth of a foal, a blue ribbon, or recovery from an illness. That same day, there is also loss: a broken limb, a case of colic, a decision to sustain a life or end it gently. As horse people, we share the accelerated life cycle of horses: the hurried rush of life, love, loss, and death that caring for these animals brings us. When our partners pass, it is more than a moment of sorrow.

We mark our loss with words of gratitude for the ways our lives have been blessed. Our memories are of joy, awe, and wonder. Absolute union. We honor our horses for their brave hearts, courage, and willingness to give.

To those outside our circle, it must seem strange. To see us in our muddy boots, who would guess such poetry lives in our hearts? We celebrate our companions with praise worthy of heroes.
Indeed, horses have the hearts of warriors and often carry us into and out of fields of battle.

Listen to stories of that once-in-a-lifetime horse; of journeys made and challenges met. The best of horses rise to the challenges we set before them, asking little in return.

Those who know them understand how fully a horse can hold a human heart. Together, we share the pain of sudden loss and the lingering taste of long-term illness. We shoulder the burden of deciding when or whether to end the life of a true companion.

In the end, we're not certain if God entrusts us to our horses or our horses to us. Does it matter?
We're grateful God loaned us the horse in the first place. And so we pray:

Dear God,
After You've enjoyed a bit of jumping,
please give our fine horses the best of care.
And, if it's not too much,
might we have at least one more good gallop when we meet again?

Amen



Only You Could Love Me This Way
Keith Urbom



Well I know there’s a reason,
And I know there’s a rhyme,
We were meant to be together,
That’s why



We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And while I say it’s forever
You understand…



That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind



And there’s no one
That comes close to you
Could ever take your place
Because only you could love me this way.



I could have turned a different corner,
I could have gone another place,
Then I’d never have this feeling
That I feel today.



That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind



And there’s no one
That comes close to you
Could ever take your place
Because only you could love me this way.



That you’re always in my heart,
Always on my mind,
When it becomes too much,
You’re never far behind



And there’s no one
That comes close to you
Could ever take your place



Only you could love me this way.



Only you could love me this way.



I love you, Finny. I love your heart, your enthusiasm, your patience, your understanding.



I will always love you!



So long, not Goodbye, my friend, as I'll ride you again in Heaven.