“Be ready for anything’
Because love could happen when you least expect it”
That is what the Hallmark movies tell us.
Even when you don’t even know it is happening,
The bond grows
And love happens, even when you don’t realize it,
But then the love can be taken away.
After the sadness, came denial,
But I never had denial,
As the death was final,
And I had no reason to doubt that he was no longer with me.
There is anger and guilt.
But I never had anger,
Because there was plenty of guilt.
Since I felt like I should have prevented his death.
There was no sickness, there were no symptoms.
That left only his health to make me aware that something was wrong,
He should have been healthy, he showed no signs,
Because I was the safety net.
I should have prevented the death,
I was taking care of him, and all the others.
Why should he die and the others were fine.
What was different? What was wrong?
Why didn’t I see that something was wrong?
I knew he was nervous, but I rode him calmly.
He should have had as much fun as I did.
But his fun was in the field, and not in the competition,
And I should have seen that.
It still makes me sad that I didn’t see that he wasn’t happy,
Did I cause his death?
He carried me to the end of that last ride,
And I am sad that I didn’t know
That something was wrong.
That he was dying
And all I could see
Was the great ride that we were having.
What a great horse he was
To give me that last ride
When he was in so much pain
But yet finish with ears perked and with a great stride.
I knew we had a great ride,
But at the moment
Didn’t understand how great it was
Until it was all over.
I’m beginning to understand,
But I’m still sad,
And maybe I won’t totally understand
Until the sadness is gone.
When will the sadness leave,
And the understanding takes its place,
along with acceptance,
And peace.
I miss you, Finny.
Because love could happen when you least expect it”
That is what the Hallmark movies tell us.
Even when you don’t even know it is happening,
The bond grows
And love happens, even when you don’t realize it,
But then the love can be taken away.
After the sadness, came denial,
But I never had denial,
As the death was final,
And I had no reason to doubt that he was no longer with me.
There is anger and guilt.
But I never had anger,
Because there was plenty of guilt.
Since I felt like I should have prevented his death.
There was no sickness, there were no symptoms.
That left only his health to make me aware that something was wrong,
He should have been healthy, he showed no signs,
Because I was the safety net.
I should have prevented the death,
I was taking care of him, and all the others.
Why should he die and the others were fine.
What was different? What was wrong?
Why didn’t I see that something was wrong?
I knew he was nervous, but I rode him calmly.
He should have had as much fun as I did.
But his fun was in the field, and not in the competition,
And I should have seen that.
It still makes me sad that I didn’t see that he wasn’t happy,
Did I cause his death?
He carried me to the end of that last ride,
And I am sad that I didn’t know
That something was wrong.
That he was dying
And all I could see
Was the great ride that we were having.
What a great horse he was
To give me that last ride
When he was in so much pain
But yet finish with ears perked and with a great stride.
I knew we had a great ride,
But at the moment
Didn’t understand how great it was
Until it was all over.
I’m beginning to understand,
But I’m still sad,
And maybe I won’t totally understand
Until the sadness is gone.
When will the sadness leave,
And the understanding takes its place,
along with acceptance,
And peace.
I miss you, Finny.
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2 comments:
Only happy memories now remember!
Everytime we talk about Finny, you tell me that God only gives you what you can handle, which is very true. You also tell me that you don't understand why you can't get over the sadness and start feeling better. There will always be saddness that Finny is gone, but the happy memories need to be the ones you think about. I really think you need to read that book that we talked about. I think it could give you some different insight on tragedies and what God means by accepting things that you can't change or have avoided. I know that the reviews on the book are sad, and I know that the book is sad, but I really do it might give you a new perspective. I have been praying that God will help open your heart from the sadness to acceptance. Hugs!
thanks, honey. every time I think about Finny or talk about him, the acceptance is growing. Maybe that is the steps, even though they are baby stepts, to grow from sadness to acceptance. yes, I truly believe that God has His reasons, and we will know His understanding of the situation when the time is right.
I will get the book, The Shack, soon, but I'll have to read it when I have a day to myself, and no one is around. If everyone that reads it cries, than I'll need some time.
My heart is open to staying kind to the animals, and I'm more aware of that now. I will get better, I promise.
Love you, mom
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