Because love could happen when you least expect it”
That is what the Hallmark movies tell us.
Even when you don’t even know it is happening,
The bond grows
And love happens, even when you don’t realize it,
But then the love can be taken away.
After the sadness, came denial,
But I never had denial,
As the death was final,
And I had no reason to doubt that he was no longer with me.
There is anger and guilt.
But I never had anger,
Because there was plenty of guilt.
Since I felt like I should have prevented his death.
There was no sickness, there were no symptoms.
That left only his health to make me aware that something was wrong,
He should have been healthy, he showed no signs,
Because I was the safety net.
I should have prevented the death,
I was taking care of him, and all the others.
Why should he die and the others were fine.
What was different? What was wrong?
Why didn’t I see that something was wrong?
I knew he was nervous, but I rode him calmly.
He should have had as much fun as I did.
But his fun was in the field, and not in the competition,
And I should have seen that.
It still makes me sad that I didn’t see that he wasn’t happy,
Did I cause his death?
He carried me to the end of that last ride,
And I am sad that I didn’t know
That something was wrong.
That he was dying
And all I could see
Was the great ride that we were having.
What a great horse he was
To give me that last ride
When he was in so much pain
But yet finish with ears perked and with a great stride.
I knew we had a great ride,
But at the moment
Didn’t understand how great it was
Until it was all over.
I’m beginning to understand,
But I’m still sad,
And maybe I won’t totally understand
Until the sadness is gone.
When will the sadness leave,
And the understanding takes its place,
along with acceptance,
I miss you, Finny.