When a teenager loses her best friend

One of my friends brought her daughter to me for lessons when she was young, maybe 8 or 10 years olds.  Spike had a mind of his own.  He pulled on her.  And she was little and didn't have the strength to make him listen.  She got older.  Spike got older.  She learned to make him listen.  Spike started listening better.  And the girl and the horse bonded and went on to have a beautifully, wonderful partnership.  And they could run!  I remember when she couldn't even make him trot.  They became a competitive team.

She said tonight...
Dear Spikee,
Why did you have to leave so soon? We made a promise when I was little that we would both make it to 200 years old! What happen to that promise bud? I know you don't like it when I cry but this I can't help but cry. You were my best friend and taught me everything I know when it comes to riding. I wish I could've said goodbye when you were still here but now that youre gone, It's too late. We had our ups and downs but you got me through it no matter how hard it was. You'll always have a place in my heart that will never be forgotten. I love you Spike.
Rest In Peace. ♥
January 12, 2012
I love you bud.

My heart breaks.  And I think about Finny.  And I think about her mom losing Johnny.  The hurt is there again.  But not so painful, as this is what I told her...

...there are so many of us who understand. Including your mom. Our hearts just break in 2. We wonder why, and why now? Why not that other horse? Not the horse that was so loved? I truly believe in God's plan for us, and for our ...horses. He took our beloved best friend home to be with Him. There is a lesson in there for us. Maybe to show us something special. Should I have taken more time with my horse before he died? Should I have cared for him differently? Should I have done something? Why didn't I know he was sick? Why didn't I know he was dying? Honey, I felt so guilty for so long, and I don't want that for you. Our horses leave us, just like our dogs and other pets, and we just need to accept that when it comes, no matter how hard that is. Guilt will just make the sorrow last longer. And we don't want to be sad when we think about Spike, or Johnny or Finny. We need to find peace, and I'm starting to say this a lot, but it's the only thing that is making me feel better... that place in your heart that hurts so much, that is breaking in 2, is where those special memories will be. I know how much you hurt. And it's true... only time will help. I'm sad that you are hurting so bad, and I pray that you can understand the whys. Don't feel any guilt, or sadness, or whatever, just know that it was time for him to go home to God's pastures. Look how many friends he has up there running with him! hugs!

It is ok to grieve.  It is ok to cry.  And when you think you can't stand it any longer, please cry some more.  Cry until you can't cry anymore.  Then peace will come.  Then happy memories will come.  Then another horse will make you happy.  I didn't think that would be possible, but when you love horses enough, you have to keep loving more.  You can't stop because you lost a special one.  Take the time to grieve.  But take the time to allow another horse to become a special one.

I am lucky that I raise horses. Believe me, those first few days when I lost Finny, I didn't think I was lucky. I had to feed the horses, but I didn't look at them. I threw them their grain!

I started riding Shaggy, and I thought, great, I have to train on another one to get him to where Finny was.  That will take years.  But I started riding him and I took him on trail rides.  He saved me because of his quiet ways.  He entered my heart in a quiet way.  He will never leave here.

I have Starlet, who will always be here.  Just because I raised her in my 2nd foal crop  and I get along with her. She puts everyone in there place. She is mine and she is not going anywhere.

Duster is Starlet's first foal.  He acts just like her, pushing his way where he wants to be.  Then other times, he runs to momma to save him. LOL  But his lope is awesome, and I can't wait to ride that.  He is by my stud, Duke.

Duke, who I just gelded, and I'm riding. I love his canter.  I will take him to dressage lessons and ride him in the Centered Riding Clinics.  I just love that deep, collected canter.  He is so natural.  After many years of no training, he rides the same. I give him a ride a year, in the past, but already this year, he has been ridden a half dozen times and has been to the fields.

Then there are 2 young fillies.  I love them both.  Dove and Fawn will be my replacement mares, because I'm not sure how long I can go without babies.

So you see, even though we hurt, there are other horse who grab our hearts.  After more than 2 years, my heart has opened up again and all these horses mean so much to me.

I'm not a good breeder.  You are suppose to sell your best horses or your riding horses.  I have to keep all of mine. 

So, honey, when you think your heart is broken and you can't go on, you can.  It took me 2 years to understand that, and I knew that, but I wouldn't let it happen.  Then these young horses just creep into your life and make you happy again.  or that mare that has always been around shows you her personality.  Or that stud, who is a gelding now, shows you what a great mover he is.

Find that horse that makes you happy, so that you can smile about your memories with Spike.  I know you won't smile until you're happy with another horse. Believe me and believe your mom.  Our hearts will always hurt.  But they don't hurt so much now.  Now our hearts can smile with happy memories.

I want the same for you. Hugs.

Great Rides with a Friend

I am getting bored riding in the arena. I can ride the fields but I need to wait until harvest. I can road ride, but that doesn’t sound like a great idea to do with a young horse by myself. I have only had Savannah for 2 months and I would like to do some field riding before just riding the roads. So I have done the next best thing. I called a friend to see if I can ride with her around her place. And she said, “of course!” Thank you, Virginia!

I was suppose to go to the last PRR trail ride at Two Rivers yesterday, but I was just feeling down in the dumps. I needed a dose of V’s humor yesterday. And she didn’t let me down. After some corny text messages, like, when she asked me, “do you want to road ride”, and I said, “that’s ok, I have shoes on”. And she said, “I’m glad you have shoes on, what about your horse?” I knew I had made the right decision.

We rode for 2 hours yesterday, covering 7.7 miles. I had the option for road riding or going through the wooded trails. I chose the trails, and without knowing it, there were weeds and nettles. My horse does not like nettles! She wanted to rub her legs, and when I found a place where we could stop and let her rub, she was better. But then, we circled around, and ended up going through another patch! We finished the ride by doing some road riding. She has very wide grass areas to the side of the roads, making it easy to get off the roads when vehicles go by. Savannah is doing great. She is not afraid of cars and trucks, dogs, garbage cans, plastic on the ground, or cement bridges.

Today, we rode for almost 2 hours and over 6 miles. This time, we stayed out of the woods and only went down the roads. We went a different way, hoping that the dark clouds didn’t mean rain. We rain into a light breeze during the last mile, but no rain. Once again, nothing startled Savannah. I don’t even think she knew she was following behind Dani, and not beside her. Savannah does not like to be last.

Savannah loaded great yesterday and today. She refused to load when I first got her. She would turn her head and pull away from me. There was no stopping her once she could turn her neck away from me. She had the attitude that she could get away with this bad behavior. I think she had done that a time or not! I kept a lunge line on her, with a chain over her nose for control since that first time. She was not going to be able to pull away from me again. The consistent work has helped. She loaded both days with just laying the lead rope over her back and sending her in! She hesitated twice yesterday but I kept asking, and she went in and stayed. Today, there was no hesitation. She is becoming a good girl!

I came home in a refreshed mood both days. I knew I wouldn’t ride Savannah as long as I had ridden her the last 2 days. I am so glad that I called my friend and went to ride with her.

Call a friend and go ride together! What a relaxing time!

Time for Change

Summer is changing to Fall. Weather has turned cooler overnight. I love it when the trees start changing colors. But then that means cooler days. I don’t think any of us are going to complain about cooler days, with the hot days that we had all summer.

My goals are changing as I prepare for trail rides. I need to get to riding in the fields. When will those beans get off the fields so I can ride there? The arenas are starting to be really boring. I really need to let loose and ride those fields. I will like that!

My body is changing. I’m getting older and I don’t like it. I feel like I eat right and exercise, but inside things are changing. And I don’t like it. And I’m getting pudgy and I don’t like that!

I feel like my whole world is changing and I don’t know why. Our parents are getting older. Kids are getting older. Everyone has their own opinion. Except I’m not allowed to express mine, because when I do, someone doesn’t like me for it. I don’t like that either.

There is a turmoil inside me that no one but me feels. How can anyone else? How can anyone understand unless they have gone through those changes? How can I quiet everything inside me so I feel right about everything else?

My family doesn’t understand me and I don’t know why. I’m a pleaser, and I can’t seem to work hard enough to please them. Am I just a mom to them, but if so, why do kids treat dads differently? I don’t understand it and I don’t like that either.

How do I change? I guess I am the one that needs to change as I’m the only one who feels that things are wrong. I feel slightly depressed and I sure hope it’s the meds. Why am I taking these stupid pills if they are suppose to be good for me and this is how I feel. I don’t like that either.

I think the meds, that I have just started taking last week, are doing this to my mind, and I don’t like it. The meds are suppose to make your body work better. I felt better before this. I need my horse time. And I’m not even sure that I’m going to get it because the meds are kicking in and I don’t feel well. And I definitely don’t like that either.

I’ll be better tomorrow, I promise. The sun is getting brighter today and I’m heading outside. To work horses. Then I’m going over to a friend’s place to ride. I DO like that! I guess I’m not really depressed as bored, indifferent, and needing some sunshine. I really need my horse today.

The Week After, Day 5

Today, Thursday, didn’t start off very good. I did chores, feeding dogs, cats and horses. Then I had to get the trailer ready for the weekend ride. I had planned on going to Turkey Creek for the weekend, for one last ride. I was to meet friends, starting today, but decided to postpone my start until Friday. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go.

After chores were done, I decided to get the trailer ready. I really didn’t need to decide until Friday morning, but at least if I was going, I could fill the water tank and make sure I had hay in the trailer. Then, I realize that I hadn’t been in the trailer since I brought it home on Saturday after Finny died. As I filled water in the tank, I opened the tack room door. I only looked in, and saw Finny’s halter and lead rope. I didn’t go into the tack room. I opened the escape door of the horse area and looked in. It was stacked full of buckets and hay bags, just as my friend, Virginia, packed it hurriedly as I had to leave Indian Caves quickly. I put Finny’s halter and lead rope into one of the hay bags, close at hand but not visible. I wasn’t ready to use his halter on any other horse.

The water tank filled. I shut off the hydrant. The inevitable was waiting. I had to go into the horse area. When I open up the doors, I saw the subtle signs of struggle, and I had to clean the area. I didn’t know if I could do that. But, with tears in my eyes, I got a sponged, dampened it, and wiped the smudged areas, of small blood stains, smears, and hair on the dividers. I didn’t want to think about how they got there. But I had seen enough horses struggle in pain to know how, and my heart was breaking in two once again, knowing that my horse had struggled in pain as I rushed him to the vet clinic. And my heart ached. I couldn’t stop his pain those last 2 hours, until the end, and my heart, once again, broke in two, and I didn’t want to go anywhere in that horse trailer.

I finished the dreaded task, and went inside. My stomach was upset. I wasn’t sure if I should go ride or not. I had thought if I took a horse, it would be Chick. I wasn’t sure that if I was going, I wanted to take a horse or not. At least if I took Chick, she didn’t require a lot of attention, and I’m not sure I could give a horse much extra attention right now. I left for the store, not sure what I was doing.

Then Tammy called me. She was reading my blog. Finny meant a lot to her, too. Her horse, Windy, and Finny shared many trails and lessons, and got along . I smile as Tammy will say that Windy had a crush on Finny. And like most guys, Finny had not a clue! Tammy understood how heart breaking the situation was, how many questions I had, and how sad I felt. We will soon ride together, and we will shart memories. Healing has started.

Virginia came to the store. We talked about gaited horses, and about next year’s CTR’s. I thanked her for helping me at the trailer with Finny. And she helped me to pick out little gifts for the others who helped me on the day that Finny colicked. The vets and the people who were camped near me were wonderful, stepping in to help as soon as they saw I was having trouble with Finny.

My friend, Vicki, called, and met me after I was done at the store. She had made a crochet basket, with Finny’s name and dates on it, to hold a lock of his hair. I wouldn’t let myself get upset.

The day ended better. My friend, Tammy, on her blog, Horsetrailriders.com posted a tribute to Finny. At first I was sad and had tears while I read. Then the smiles came. Then the memories. And soon I was laughing. I remember the stories now. The Storm when we both were freezing, in June in Nebraska! The rattle snake sounds at Ft Rob, and once again, trying to beat a storm! That nasty horse fly at the CTR! Oh, the memories almost make me cry, but happy tears now. Thanks, tv, for reminding me that I have much more to smile about now then to cry about.

I know there are memories to make in the future. Only God knows our future, and I will let him lead my trail rides. I know I will ride a different horse, and I will try to be true to that horse. Only time heals, and I pray to God to heal my heart so that I can give my heart to another horse. There is a lot of love to go around.