My Mom's Sister and Brother

We are at an age where all of our aunts and uncles are aging.

My Mom's Sibling: 



Aunt Ann, Uncle Jr, and my Mom

 

My mom lost her sister a few months ago,
 

then about a month ago, her brother-in-law passed away.

 

 

This past Wed, her brother passed away.

 

My Uncle Jr was always goofing around,

 

and always laughing.

 

 

I will miss all of you.

 

 

And earlier in the week, a cousin posted that it had been 10 years since her father passed away.  (This would have been my dad's brother.  My dad was 1 of 3 boys, but the first boy was still born).

 



I had to change my weekend plans.  I was still having trailer tire problems and decided not to haul 4 hours away for the CTR in Kansas.  I just didn't feel like going.  Maybe I just need to stay home and think about my aunt and uncle.  And what my mom is going through.  My mom has some dementia.  I'm sure all this sadness is affecting her health.  You're in my thoughts and prayers, Mom and Dad, as well as my cousins and their families.

I Cherish Your Memory

I cherish your memory.  Time has passed.  You were so strong, yet so delicate.  You were my little colt, orphaned at 1 month to turn into a tall black horse.  What a pistol as a weanling, yearling, 2 year old.  So small and so light on your feet that I could almost pull you over on the lunge line.  So graceful as a 3 and 4 year old.  So easy to ride.  Your lope was lovely.  I miss you so much.  I cherish the years we had together, even though so few, yet so meaningful.

 

Over the past 3 years, the grief has turned into pain, into heartache, into sadness and guilt and into so many questions.  Why?  Why now?  Why so soon?  Understanding comes in time.  I still don’t understand.  But I don’t grieve.  I am sad and my heart still aches.  But I can think of you without crying.  Even though a lump forms in my throat when I think like this.  I was able to hang a picture of you this year.  I have looked at photos of you and me.  Now I think of what we had and I don’t think so much of what we missed out on.  The good memories need to come so this terrible lump and tears forming in my eyes go away.  With time, comes acceptance.  I have accepted the fact that you are gone.  I just don’t like it though.  Sometimes, I catch myself just looking out into the fields and thinking and remembering.  I feel you there, even when I’m on a different horse. 

From http://www.searchquotes.com/quotes/about/Acceptance/

“Acceptance, though a hard thing to do, is an essential thing that helps you to improve in life. When you accept a friend as such with his plus and minuses, you gain friendship. When you accept a past deed, you prepare yourself to face the future, when you accept a situation, you become more comfortable. Acceptance is the essence of life and if we try to shun away from acceptance, life becomes a bed of thorns.

As K C Theisen said, acceptance is not submission; it is an acknowledgement of the facts of the situation. It also helps you to decide your future course of action. Those who accept things that cannot be changed are as wise as grass that grows in the riverbeds and those who refuse to accept are like trees there. When a storm blows, the grass accepts and survives but the tree falls to the power of the wind. Acceptance is an important character that we have to inculcate in us, to survive successfully in this world.”

I will love you forever.  I will miss you forever.  Until we can meet at Heaven’s Bridge and you can carry me home.  I’m not crying.  I look up to the heavens to watch you gallop by.

 

Finny

May 26, 2001 - October 10, 2009

When a teenager loses her best friend

One of my friends brought her daughter to me for lessons when she was young, maybe 8 or 10 years olds.  Spike had a mind of his own.  He pulled on her.  And she was little and didn't have the strength to make him listen.  She got older.  Spike got older.  She learned to make him listen.  Spike started listening better.  And the girl and the horse bonded and went on to have a beautifully, wonderful partnership.  And they could run!  I remember when she couldn't even make him trot.  They became a competitive team.

She said tonight...
Dear Spikee,
Why did you have to leave so soon? We made a promise when I was little that we would both make it to 200 years old! What happen to that promise bud? I know you don't like it when I cry but this I can't help but cry. You were my best friend and taught me everything I know when it comes to riding. I wish I could've said goodbye when you were still here but now that youre gone, It's too late. We had our ups and downs but you got me through it no matter how hard it was. You'll always have a place in my heart that will never be forgotten. I love you Spike.
Rest In Peace. ♥
January 12, 2012
I love you bud.

My heart breaks.  And I think about Finny.  And I think about her mom losing Johnny.  The hurt is there again.  But not so painful, as this is what I told her...

...there are so many of us who understand. Including your mom. Our hearts just break in 2. We wonder why, and why now? Why not that other horse? Not the horse that was so loved? I truly believe in God's plan for us, and for our ...horses. He took our beloved best friend home to be with Him. There is a lesson in there for us. Maybe to show us something special. Should I have taken more time with my horse before he died? Should I have cared for him differently? Should I have done something? Why didn't I know he was sick? Why didn't I know he was dying? Honey, I felt so guilty for so long, and I don't want that for you. Our horses leave us, just like our dogs and other pets, and we just need to accept that when it comes, no matter how hard that is. Guilt will just make the sorrow last longer. And we don't want to be sad when we think about Spike, or Johnny or Finny. We need to find peace, and I'm starting to say this a lot, but it's the only thing that is making me feel better... that place in your heart that hurts so much, that is breaking in 2, is where those special memories will be. I know how much you hurt. And it's true... only time will help. I'm sad that you are hurting so bad, and I pray that you can understand the whys. Don't feel any guilt, or sadness, or whatever, just know that it was time for him to go home to God's pastures. Look how many friends he has up there running with him! hugs!

It is ok to grieve.  It is ok to cry.  And when you think you can't stand it any longer, please cry some more.  Cry until you can't cry anymore.  Then peace will come.  Then happy memories will come.  Then another horse will make you happy.  I didn't think that would be possible, but when you love horses enough, you have to keep loving more.  You can't stop because you lost a special one.  Take the time to grieve.  But take the time to allow another horse to become a special one.

I am lucky that I raise horses. Believe me, those first few days when I lost Finny, I didn't think I was lucky. I had to feed the horses, but I didn't look at them. I threw them their grain!

I started riding Shaggy, and I thought, great, I have to train on another one to get him to where Finny was.  That will take years.  But I started riding him and I took him on trail rides.  He saved me because of his quiet ways.  He entered my heart in a quiet way.  He will never leave here.

I have Starlet, who will always be here.  Just because I raised her in my 2nd foal crop  and I get along with her. She puts everyone in there place. She is mine and she is not going anywhere.

Duster is Starlet's first foal.  He acts just like her, pushing his way where he wants to be.  Then other times, he runs to momma to save him. LOL  But his lope is awesome, and I can't wait to ride that.  He is by my stud, Duke.

Duke, who I just gelded, and I'm riding. I love his canter.  I will take him to dressage lessons and ride him in the Centered Riding Clinics.  I just love that deep, collected canter.  He is so natural.  After many years of no training, he rides the same. I give him a ride a year, in the past, but already this year, he has been ridden a half dozen times and has been to the fields.

Then there are 2 young fillies.  I love them both.  Dove and Fawn will be my replacement mares, because I'm not sure how long I can go without babies.

So you see, even though we hurt, there are other horse who grab our hearts.  After more than 2 years, my heart has opened up again and all these horses mean so much to me.

I'm not a good breeder.  You are suppose to sell your best horses or your riding horses.  I have to keep all of mine. 

So, honey, when you think your heart is broken and you can't go on, you can.  It took me 2 years to understand that, and I knew that, but I wouldn't let it happen.  Then these young horses just creep into your life and make you happy again.  or that mare that has always been around shows you her personality.  Or that stud, who is a gelding now, shows you what a great mover he is.

Find that horse that makes you happy, so that you can smile about your memories with Spike.  I know you won't smile until you're happy with another horse. Believe me and believe your mom.  Our hearts will always hurt.  But they don't hurt so much now.  Now our hearts can smile with happy memories.

I want the same for you. Hugs.

When a Friend Hurts Because They Lost a Horse

This is an email that I just sent to a friend, because she lost a special horse:

I just read on HT's that you are having a hard time and I am so, so sorry for your sorrow. Right now, tears are streaming down my face as I think about how much your heart hurts, and as I think about Finny.  All I can say is that you will hurt for a long time, so cry as often as you can.

You will hurt for a long time and I think everyone needs something different to get over this hurt. I can't get over all the pain, and every time I think about this, my chest tightens, and there is a big lump in my throat, and my eyes water or there are tears. Finny is gone over 2 years now. And it hurts. Very much.

And it's ok to hurt, and to cry. And only you will know when it's time to say...   I need to get over this and move on. Pets die. Horses die. People die. We all know this. But we hurt so much when we lose those special ones. I've just now told myself to move on and get a horse who will make me happy. I've just started looking at the rest of my own horses differently, as they do make me smile now.

I think I'll always be sad because Finny died. And now tears are really streaming down my face. My heart hurts so much because he is gone. I know how much your heart hurts. and I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this pain.

But God gives us these special horses for a reason, and then he takes them home to be in his special stable. I'm praying that the angels are riding Finny and Red and Ginger, and all the others who have gone before them, and are enjoying them very much.

Maybe a little girl is up in Heaven, with that special horse that she has always wanted. And now I'm smiling, and my heart doesn't hurt. I'm smiling as I see Finny loping across those heavenly clouds with a little girl on his back, and she is laughing. Maybe you can have a special thought of Red in Heaven with a new special owner.

Please call if you ever need to. Many of us understand. We will all go through this because there are many of us with a special horse who have left us. 

Now as I think more about this, this is what has helped me to get over Finny:

Maybe what I am going through will help someone else.  God has put this hurt in my heart and soul for a reason, and I pray that I can help someone else.  Why else would we hurt so much?

There are many of us that hurt like this when we lose our special horse.  That really hasn't helped me to get over the pain, just to realize that many others understand the pain.

God wouldn't want me have this sorrow forever and to not share my love of horses and of riding by not riding.  And by not being excited about horses.  This is what is helping me the most.  God would want me to move on and to keep my love of horses alive.

The movie, The Christmas Hope, is on and it's about a mother and father who lost their son 2 years ago (in the movie). The Grandmother just told the mother that she can choose joy or despair, and to choose joy.  Maybe that is what I am going through, and everyone else who has lost a horse.  We need to choose how we feel.  And all at once, I don't feel sad, and I don't have tears, and all I'm hearing on the tv is to have joy.

There are many angels around us.  God speaks to us in so many different ways.  It's been 2 years since hubby and I have gone to church regularly (and not because of Finny).  We have a deep belief.  Today we went to church.  And now God is speaking to me through this friend and through this movie.

All I know is it is time to move on, to choose to love horses, to choose to ride, to choose to help others learn.  That is what I need to do.  I think Finny would want me to keep riding, even if it isn't him.  He would want me to continue where we ended.

I had the thought the other day that I will continue what Finny and I were doing, and take that training and move on to the next young horses.  I will work with other horses with what I've learned from riding Finny, but more importantly, what Finny has taught me.

God is with us and guiding us through our sorrow.  He will show us the way out and the way to happiness, to contentment, and to peace.

May the spirit of the Christmas Season be with you ... forever.

AJ

2000-2011
AJ, we will miss you.  Micah will miss you very much. So will Tom.

Daisy and Ace will miss you.

Thank you for all the puppies you gave us to share with so many loving families.

IF IT SHOULD BE

If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand.
Don't let your grief then stay your hand.
For this day, more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years.
What is to come can hold no fears.
You'd not want me to suffer so;
The time has come -- please let me go.

Take me where my need they'll tend,
And please stay with me till the end.
Hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you did for me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Please do not grieve -- it must be you
Who had this painful thing to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years;
Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

--- Anonymous ---

AJ,

We held you. We petted you.  We were there to offer you any comfort that you needed.

I hope and pray that you knew we were there. I hope you know we didn't want to do what must be done.

I know, that you know, how much you were loved. You were Micah's first puppy and he will miss you very much.

I hope we brought you comfort during those last hours.

Saying goodbye is always so hard. I cried when you were gone. But we found a nice place that will be your forever home.

EHV-1 Final Situation Report as of June 22, 2011

I was gone when this last report came out:
http://www.aphis.usda.gov/vs/nahss/equine/ehv/ehv_2011_final_sitrep_062311.pdf

There are no new cases and no new premises affected. Disease spread in connection with this incident has been contained and no further situation reports will be generated.

• Suspect and confirmed cases are reported to be under voluntary or state quarantine.

• Known exposed horses are reported to be under either voluntary or state quarantine.

• A total of 90 confirmed EHV-1 or EHM cases were reported in 10 states (AZ, CA, CO, ID, NM, NV, OK, OR, UT, WA)

• Of the 90 confirmed EHV/EHM cases, 54 cases were horses that were at the Ogden, Utah event.

• There are 13 horses associated with this incident that are dead or have been euthanized.

• There are 0 newly identified premises with suspect or confirmed cases identified this reporting period.

• With no new cases and no new affected premises, disease spread in connection with this incident has been contained. No further situation reports will be generated.

421 horses exposed at the show.

Primary Exposed Horses (at Ogden, UT event)
# EHV-1 Confirmed Cases 28 (40 # EHV-1 Suspect Cases)
# EHM Confirmed Cases 26 (6 # EHM Suspect Cases)
# Dead or Euthanized Suspect or Confirmed Cases 10

Secondary and Tertiary Exposed Horses
# EHV-1 Confirmed Cases 29 (22 # EHV-1 Suspect Cases)
# EHM Confirmed Cases 7 (4 # EHM Suspect Cases)
# Dead or Euthanized Suspect or Confirmed Cases 3

Total:
# EHV-1 Confirmed Cases 57
# EHM Confirmed Cases 33
# Dead or Euthanized Suspect or Confirmed Cases 13

# Exposed premises 242
# Exposed premises with suspect or confirmed EHV/EHM cases 62 (# New premises this reporting period 0)
# Exposed premises with no suspect or confirmed cases 180

I know I didn't haul much through the time period that this outbreak had been in the news. With hindsight, would I have done anything differently? NO! I just didn't want to take the chance that the deadly virus would have found it's way to Nebraska and 1 of my horses would have been one of the unlucky 3 that were later exposed, and died.

Maybe overkill (shouldn't have used that word) on my part, but I guess I was being more pessimistic than I want to be. I'm an optimist. Atleast, I want to be. I want to see the good in things. And in people. And in horses.

The fear of death got the better of me. But now, I can put that fear to rest and start hauling my horses more. The knowledge of this deadly virus will stay with me for a long time. And I will always dilgently vaccinate, OR not vaccinate for a specific problem after making a carefully, educational decision.

The Walk

I recently read Richard Paul Evans “The Walk”. A sad story. The man’s wife died from complications of a horseback riding accident. During this same time, he lost his business to a lousy partner, and his home was foreclosed. He thought about suicide, but he stopped himself when he remembered that he promised his wife that he would live.

Alan walked away from everything he knew, literally. He lived in Seattle, Washington, and he determined where in America would be as far from Seattle as he could be. And he drew a line to Key West, Florida. This book is the first in a series about his walk to Key West.

Alan’s mother taught him about God when he was a child. Both before and during the time she was dying of cancer, and I feel that she continued teaching him about God after she was gone. She prayed as if she was talking to a friend in the room. Often, he would open his eyes during her prayers to see if she was talking to someone was in the room. After reading this first book, I could sense his compassion and gracious manner, but apparent only after he began his walk.

“Live.” McKale, Alan’s wife, told him to live as she was dying. The voice told him to live again as he was holding the pills in his hands. He had promised her he would. He cried, he packed a backpack, he had his friend sell his possessions since his home was foreclosed, and he started walking.

He had journals that he had written during his life. He took a blank, leather bound journal with him. He had ‘decided on a destination; the path is just a detail. I have begun my walk.”

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” The saying was written in a Chinese fortune cookie.

We need to start the single step. By choosing a closer destination, one that is achievable in a short time. Everyone is on a journey. Where should we be heading? What should be our first destination?

My journey is with horses. I love trail riding. I rode the hills of PA when I was a kid and I missed doing that for a long time. Riding CTR’s has given me back the terrain and scenery that I miss. Now I’m ready to start some endurance riding. My next step in my journey is to buy an Arab, condition, ride the trails and CTR’s this year, and maybe try 1 or 2 short endurance rides this fall. I just have to wait to see where this journey is taking me.

I’m ready to move on from the memories of the rides with Finny to the rides I’ll have with this new horse that I don’t have yet. I’m looking forward to riding the same fields with a smile on my face. I want to wake in the mornings with a sense of excitement and anticipation of the ride that I will have that day. I am ready to move on.

And I feel that happening. I’m anxious to go outside this afternoon and ride Savannah and Chick. The sun is shining. The outdoor arena is dry. The fields are drying. I’m ready to ride.

Sometimes we don’t now the answers or hear them until we are quiet. Answers come at the strangest of times, from the quiet of the mornings, in the middle of a hail storm, or in the peace of a summer evening. When the timing is right, you will hear the answer.

Don’t give up. Stay on the path. Continue your journey. The book said “the real sign of life is growth. And growth requires pain.” No one, or no pet, or no horse, is ever gone. They will always be with us, in our hearts and in our souls. They also help to make us who we are. Like the book said, we need to choose to remember them with sadness or with gratitude and joy. We find what we are looking for, so look for happiness and fond memories. That is the chose we need to make.

Stop and see what is in front of you. Appreciate what life has for you. See everything with happiness and not with sorrow. Let the life around you show you what your life should be. Does that make sense? Look at your life, look around you, and see your life differently than how you’ve been seeing it. Enjoy your life to the fullest. Appreciate the little things. How many times have we heard that or have been told that. But it is true.

Start the walk. Start or continue the journey. We never know what is in front of us or where we are going if we don’t start walking or looking or listening. Maybe sometimes we just need to wait. Patiently.

“The Walk” is a book about loss and the choice we have to grow from them. We need to continue our journey in life so that we can grow into the person God intended us to be. Walking helped Alan find the peace that he needs. Riding will help me find the peace that I need. Just as Alan met people along the way that he was meant to meet, there are horses in my journey that I am meant to meet.

And I am healing from my loss. The pain is less. I am smiling now.

Coincidence

Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.

My daughter, Sara, is encouraging me to get over the sadness of Finny’s death. She understands what I am feeling, and she wants me to get past this stage of sadness, and to get to acceptance. She is encouraging me so that I can remember Finny fondly, with happy memories, and not of sadness and with tears.

Sara told me about a book, “Shack” by William Young that she listened to on tape. She said it would help me get beyond my grief to acceptance.

Hubby and I took a vacation recently. I took 2 books and read them both. On the return trip home, I picked up 2 books from the airport to read, you know, the romantic novel, easy reading, type.

I have a few favorite authors, including Richard Paul Evans. So I didn’t think anything when I picked up his book, “The Walk”, glancing at the back cover, reading the description, and bought it along with another book.

Little did I know how much this book would affect me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to read the book, “Shack”, that Sara has recommended, for awhile. This book was sad enough.

“The Walk” is about a man who loses his wife, his job, and his lifestyle. His wife had a terrible accident with a horse, and she died of complications. While I read about her pain, and her telling her husband that she was leaving him, my heart was in my throat. I had that lump that everyone talks about. I was afraid to do anything except to keep reading. If I did anything else, I would start crying. I didn’t dare talk out loud.

The husband lost his wife, and then lost his business to a lousy partner. He lost his home to foreclosure. He decided to walk as far away as he could from Seattle, Washington. That destination was The Keys, Florida. I had a Great-Aunt who lived in Key West. Coincidence again?

How could losing a horse compare to losing a loved one? I don’t know the answer to that. I’m sure it doesn’t compare. Maybe the question should be “how can one who has suffered a loss, heal”? I’m sure there are those who don’t think a broken heart from losing a pet or a horse can compare to a broken heart from losing a loved one. All I know is that I lost a dear Grandmother, a Father-in-law, a Brother-in-law, and the pain is the same. Right now, I’m thinking that the pain I feel is different, and I know it is different, and it is deeper. I knew I was losing my Grandmother Ruth. I knew my husband was losing his brother and his dad. I didn’t know I was losing Finny. I didn’t know how much he touched my heart.

Maybe then, the difference was that I felt “at lost”. Maybe now I’m getting over the grief. Maybe I’m getting over the guilt. I do know that I could have done more, but at the time of year that Finny died, I know now that it shouldn’t have mattered. Maybe I’m starting to get over the guilt. Especially when I read about a man who loses his beloved wife. How can it compare to that. And should it?

Getting back to the book, “The Walk”, the husband lost everything. And he is in pain. He lost his wife, who was his best friend from the age of 8. He decided to walk away as far as he could. And he started his walk.

This book is about the first part of his walk. This is a series, and there will be more books. I can’t imagine his pain. He lost his wife, his best friend. He started walking so that he couldn’t feel the pain. Until nighttime. Then he felt the pain of being alone. I know his pain. I know the emptiness that he is feeling.

I read this book, thinking that, as I was reading, this was the book that Sara was talking about. But it's not, and I'm not sure I could read the other book if it's a sad book.

Maybe I'm looking for answers. Maybe I'm looking for the way to heal. Maybe I'm looking for forgiveness. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore.

Doesn’t anyone understand? I tried to do my best, and my best wasn’t enough? That isn’t a good feeling. And I need to get beyond that, because now, I am understanding and feeling and knowing that isn't true.

Alan, the man in the book, began his walk. I’m sure his heart was heavy. Before his walk, he got his wife’s pills and he was going to take them, to stop his pain. But he stopped, because he promised his wife he would live. And the only way he could live without her is to walk as far away as he could from where he lived with her.

I am learning to live without Finny. I got another horse of a different breed and that wasn’t what I should have done. It was an important step, but not the right one. That horse was the first step to healing my heart, and I will always remember her for that. Now it’s time to move on.

Just like Alan who is walking his way into healing. I will ride my way into healing.

Yes, Sara, God only gives us what we can handle. I can now handle this grief which has turned into acceptance, and one day, will turn into (and now I pause to figure out the what) fond memories.

Thank you, God, for the time you gave me with Finny. I still hurt, and the tears still come, but only you know the reason. And in time, your plan will be revealed to me.

There is a reason why this is taking me so long to get over. I am now willing to wait for you to reveal that to me. Will another horse come into my life that will mean as much to me as Finny did, and without his death, would not have meant anything to me? Would another horse come into my life to give more meaning and purpose to my life with horses? Then that makes me wonder why Finny had to suffer, and that makes me sad all over again. Do you understand what I am going through? The torture? What the cause of his death did to me? Could it have been prevented?

Finny’s death can not compare to the death of a loved one. I know that. And I know that, with life, comes death. When and how is the question.

Knowing that all things die and they go to meet our Maker, is what makes death bearable. I am getting over the guilt of not being able to preserve Finny’s life on earth longer. My Maker wanted him in Heaven for a reason. Finny being away from me hurts me more than you know, and that I can type, and the realization of that has tears running down my face, but my Lord knows best.

My heart is in my throat again. The pain is almost unbearable, and I question the reasoning. My Lord, why? When so much good could have come from him living. And the sobs come.

I don’t have the answers. Except there is a reason. Far greater than we can know.

But my heart aches. And I want to heal. Lord, help me heal.

Maybe that is what He is waiting for. For me to ask Him for help.

And after a few moments of that sinking in, and asking why, I feel a peace.

Lord, help me heal, and be at peace.

And like I told Sara, and what I truly believe, everything happens for a reason.

Lord, with your ultimate wisdom, I don’t understand, but someday I will. Finny died for a reason. I pray that it makes me a better horse woman. Compassionate. Patient.

I will pass on whatever I learn. Please teach me and show me what you want me to teach.

I am tired of grieving. I want to heal. I want to remember Finny with fond memories and not tears, and I will.

Please, God, whatever you want to reveal to me, please do so, so that my heart can heal and that I can teach others.

Your wisdom should be what we all strive for.

I don’t think I’ll be able to read “The Shack”.

Finny's Farewell Book

My daughter, Sara, Made me a Farewell Book of Finny. I just love this first pic, as it shows his soft eye, during a fun ride time we had one day in the field, on a warm fall day. I'll always remember that day, taking pictures as I rode. She wanted this book to be a surprise, but she needed me to send her some info. Finny's CTR judge's cards, maps of the places that I rode, the sympathy cards and thoughtful notes from friends, and from others who only knew me by the big black horse I rode. This book will always have a special place on a shelf, as Finny will always have a special place in my heart.

Thank you, Sara and Tom, and others, who are helping me to get over Finny's death. The sadness is being replaced with fond memories.

Finny's Farewell Book...

When is the Time

“Be ready for anything’
Because love could happen when you least expect it”
That is what the Hallmark movies tell us.

Even when you don’t even know it is happening,
The bond grows
And love happens, even when you don’t realize it,
But then the love can be taken away.

After the sadness, came denial,
But I never had denial,
As the death was final,
And I had no reason to doubt that he was no longer with me.

There is anger and guilt.
But I never had anger,
Because there was plenty of guilt.
Since I felt like I should have prevented his death.

There was no sickness, there were no symptoms.
That left only his health to make me aware that something was wrong,
He should have been healthy, he showed no signs,
Because I was the safety net.

I should have prevented the death,
I was taking care of him, and all the others.
Why should he die and the others were fine.
What was different? What was wrong?

Why didn’t I see that something was wrong?
I knew he was nervous, but I rode him calmly.
He should have had as much fun as I did.
But his fun was in the field, and not in the competition,
And I should have seen that.

It still makes me sad that I didn’t see that he wasn’t happy,
Did I cause his death?
He carried me to the end of that last ride,
And I am sad that I didn’t know

That something was wrong.
That he was dying
And all I could see
Was the great ride that we were having.

What a great horse he was
To give me that last ride
When he was in so much pain
But yet finish with ears perked and with a great stride.

I knew we had a great ride,
But at the moment
Didn’t understand how great it was
Until it was all over.

I’m beginning to understand,
But I’m still sad,
And maybe I won’t totally understand
Until the sadness is gone.

When will the sadness leave,
And the understanding takes its place,
along with acceptance,
And peace.

I miss you, Finny.

JR is in Horse Heaven

Zips JR Mint “JR”
April 8, 1988 - January 5, 2011

I got an email earlier today that one of my daughter Sara's past show horses, JR, died yesterday. He was fine in the morning during chore time, but they found him gone at afternoon feeding. At the fine age of 23, I pray he went to sleep peacefully.

JR was a gelding by Zippos Mr Good Bar. He had that stunning red roan color. And he had that Zippos Pine Bar movement.

Sara and JR had a wonderful connection. JR was a fun horse to ride. And he wasn't always the easiest horse to ride. Sara made it look easy. It's just sad when you start seeing the horses that your kids rode and showed, die, and you see your kids, and other young adults, sad and heart broken.

JR was Sara's main show horse. Being outstanding in showmanship, she did wellin many classes. The highlight was winning State 4-H Sr. Showmanship. It was amazing to see her practice, which she did every day, treating this event as important as a riding event. I loved watching her do showmanship halterless, with JR in step with Sara. That special day when she won at State 4-H, they were an incredible pair. I remember JR put his head level with Sara’s, and he matched her step for step. When their name was called, they made a beautiful pair, moving together.

JR was also Sara's Horsemanship horse, and when he was on, he was on! He could stop, and turn, and go on a dime. He could perform in a slow, deep lope for western or with a long sweeping canter for English/Hunt Seat classes. Sara and JR performed in Aksarben's Advanced English Equitation class, and had an outstanding flawless performance. It was just breathtaking to watch their partnership and the two of them together.

But when JR was off, he was off. I remember the day, actually evening, at State 4-H, when they were in line up for Senior Horsemanship finals. JR was tired and he didn’t want to be in that line, waiting. He was kicking out and bucking in place. Being the rider that Sara was, she sat calmly, keeping him from disturbing the other horses. She had a smile on her face. She had nailed the pattern, sat on him quietly during line-up, and rode relaxed during the rail work. Sara placed 2nd and received Reserve Champion Senior Horsemanship that year.

JR took Sara from Capitol City playdays, to 4-H shows, to Open shows, to QH shows, and finally to the AQHA Youth World. He was an all-around horse, performing in showmanship, horsemanship pattern classes, pleasure classes, trail, and western riding. Sara taught him to do flying lead changes. As a team, they were competitive at the QH shows in all the pattern classes.

Sara learned how to keep him calm during qualifying season. We parked the trailer in a quiet spot. We left him tied to the trailer, eating from a hay bag. We had him saddled and he was calmly eating. He stood at the trailer until the class before her class was in the arena. Then Sara bridled and mounted him, and took him slowly to the gate. He was ready to perform, and didn’t need or want to be loped into the ground before the class.

I remember when JR first came to live with us, he didn’t even know how to graze. We had him in a small grass lot, and there was still grass in that lot months later. That winter, we had him in with the other horses for a few months. He had to learn to live in a herd and to act like a horse.

JR taught many young riders how to ride, as he was a gentle giant. When Sara's youth years were over, and she was off to college, I knew JR had to continue to teach another young girl to ride. And he did, with another show career with another special girl for the next 8 or 9 years. This was about the same amount of time that we owned him.

JR will be missed. He was one of those special horses that you had a specialbond with. Hugs to both Sara and Subbi. JR was a wonderful horse.

Finny Baby Pics

Finny, 1 month,

then he was orphaned. The mare died of colic at the breeders. Older mother, stress at breeding, young colt.

Finny grew into a little yearling,

my little guy grew into a 15.3 handsome fella.

7 years later, he was gone. But not without lots of memories.


I just love my smile in this photo!

Christmas Gift about Finny

My daughter, Sara, is putting together or making me something for Christmas. About Finny. She wanted this as a surprise, but she recently told me that Dad wasn’t getting her the info she needed. I told her that I was glad to know for 2 reasons. Opening a present like that without any prior knowledge would have been a shock. But more importantly, I wouldn’t want anyone to touch my book of Finny’s things. I’m sure you know what that means to me. She said she tried getting help from some of my trail riding friends, but they told her that only I have the cards and that there isn’t anything online. She had to tell me, and I’m so glad I did. I may need this month so that I can open the gift.

I don’t know what she is doing, but I had to scan and send her everything I had on Finny. The CTR judge’s cards. The Certificates for placing. I added maps of the places that I have ridden him. I added his number with some ribbons.

I handled that ok, as I recently finished his CTR book. I had to put the last day of CTR cards and certificates in it, then I was done. It only took me a year to do that, and I finished that this fall. But I can look at his cards and read the remarks about our obstacles now, without tearing up. I’m still sad, of what could have been, but glad to read the comments now.

Then, last night, she asked if I wanted to scan and send the cards and notes that people sent me. Oh, my heart was in my throat just thinking about it. I could hardly swallow. Seeing his cards were one thing, but re-reading what everyone wrote to me was another thing. I wasn’t sure I could read them. And how could you look at the cards and emails without seeing even some of the words. I wasn’t sure that I could handle that.

But today I got thinking about that. I had been wanting to go back to those dates and print off the emails that people sent me, to add to the package of sympathy cards. I felt that today was the day that I should do that, or it may not get done. Then as I was printing off the emails to add to his book, I forwarded them on to Sara, to add to her project. That way, I tackled 2 things at once. I don’t think I could have done this twice, on 2 different days. The cards are scanned and sent. The emails are copied off and forwarded on to her. I was just careful to not to read to many of the messages, or to read too much of any one message. Tears came a few times, and I had to walk away from the copier a few times, but the emails are printed off now. Then I made another file in my email area, just for Finny. And I moved everything about him from my inbox to his own file. When I want to look at them the next time, I don’t have to search back to that date in my inbox. I don’t need to be reminded of that date, even though I will never forget it.

My chest was heavy. My heart felt like it was beating too fast and too hard at times. My eyes ached, not from too many tears but from a tiredness that lies behind them. I don’t want to think about Finny anymore, or I’ll start crying….

Sara wants me to find pictures of when he was young, when he was orphaned at a month. When he was a little thing, so friendly yet so wild about things when he wanted to play. :-)))
He was a little thing, in body and in height. As a yearling, he would act up on the lunge line, even though I could almost pull him over, even during his 2nd and 3rd year. Then one day, during the fall when he was 3, he quit acting up and I rode him for 30 days. I rode him the next spring, of his 4th year for 30 days, then left him alone for summer. In the fall of that year, I started riding him to the field, and the rest is history…

It makes me smile to think of him as that little guy. And it makes me smile to think how much fun we had riding the fields during the fall of his 4th and 5th years. After those years, he was my trail horse. He was always with me. And he always will be.

This is a very thoughtful gift that Sara is working on, and I look forward to seeing it. I just may not be able to look at all of it, all at once. And if I cry, and I’m sure Sara will cry, too, I’m sure the tears will be happy tears.

Maybe it’s a good thing to be working on all of this and seeing it now. I may be prepared to see the gift at Christmas. I may not be as sad as I would have been. Working on getting the info to Sara has made me look at everything again, and every time I look at something of Finny’s, it gets easier. Maybe it will be easy to see Finny’s accomplishments and how he affected other’s lives.

Maybe I will be smiling…