Some Day

I am going on a trail ride to Turkey Creek this weekend. It has me thinking, and it has me a little sad. This is the first place I went to after Finny died. I’m having bitter sweet feelings tonight. I am taking Savannah, who happened to be raised by the people who own Turkey Creek. Coincidence? Maybe. I feel like I am going full circle. I don’t want to think about it, I just want to relax, and forget that terrible day,10 ½ months ago. Forgive me for still feeling this way, but hopefully by the end of this post, I feel the peace that I need to have inside me to get over this hurt that I still carry somewhere inside me.

Some day… I keep telling myself, some day….

Some day, you are going to forgive yourself. For all of those things that happen and that you didn‘t have any control over. For all the things that couldn’t happen to save him. For all the things you had to do after it happened. And for all the things you hated doing.

Some day, you are going to understand. Why did it happened? Why couldn’t you prevent it? Why couldn’t he get better? Yes, you did the things that you did. Why didn’t you do what you should have done? Why didn’t you do what you had planned to do?

You have hated that day. The Sickness. The Death. The Finality of it all.

That day your heart did break. Into two. Into many pieces. You felt as if it will never heal. You think about the sadness, and your heart breaks in two again. And the hurt and pain and sadness starts all over again.

For many days, you are in pain. The pain that sinks down into your core. Pain that doesn’t go away, no matter how long you cry. Or don’t cry. Pain, and depression, and an overwhelming sadness lasts, and lingers, forever it seems.

Some day you are going to be sad all day. Many days of sadness. Months. And months. Maybe not all day long, but part of each day. And slowly the sadness begins to lessen.

Some day you are going to hurt less. The sadness starts to go away. But the little hurt is always there. There is always a dull pain. Always a little “something” in its place. An emptiness that begins to grow. And something more grows. A desire to fill the emptiness.

Slowly the sadness and pain leave. Acceptance and understanding takes their place. There is the beginning of the peace that is necessary to calm my soul.

Some day you are going to like yourself again. Because you have forgiven yourself.

And some day you are going to love again. And find another special horse in your life.

And with that love becomes another special bond with a special horse.

Is some day… today?

Another horse has come into my life. He is extra special because he has helped me through the difficult time of losing a loved soul mate. He has always been here, waiting his turn. He is quiet, and kind. He makes me think that he knows how I feel. But how can he? He lost a pasture mate, too. Are horses sad when one of their buddies leave them too?

And now the realization that everything that I had to go through on that fateful day, and since, has brought me this wonderful horse who is so gentle, and kind, and caring.

I am grateful for you, my new friend. You have made me discover the peace that was buried deep in my soul. You have given me a reason to move on.

And so continues the circle of my life with horses. The love and excitement for one horse, to pain and hurt, to understanding and forgiveness, to a life with love and excitement for another new horse.

It is a journey which is hard to embrace at times. But a journey that you need to embrace with your whole being, because, if not, when the terrible things happen, it will devastate you. You have horses embedded deep in your soul and you will not be whole again until you continue your journey.

No matter what happens, “Embrace the Journey!” The peace will be there when you least expect it. Search for it. You will find it.

I am whole again. I feel it. I will always miss you, Finny, but Shaggy is helping me through my pain. I remember you with fondness now.