The End of the First Week

Tomorrow is here! I had a beautiful ride at Turkey Creek, near Newcastle, Nebraska, Friday afternoon and this morning. My heart was singing. I love the hills and trees and scenery. I felt a weighted load of grief lift from my shoulders. I took some pics that I will post tomorrow. Finny is where he needs to be right now, and I am where I need to be right now. I am sad that Finny isn’t with me, I am glad that I didn’t bring any horses this weekend, and I am grateful that Brenda is sharing her horses with me. That has made the transition in riding a different horse easier for me.

I rode Brenda W’s Tennessee Walkers. They sure do move out. Two of the horses were only 3 year olds, but they were solid on the trails. I will continue to look at horses. I need to find the right horse that will replace Finny at CTR’s. I can take my time to do that.

I had moments of sadness. I was comfortable talking about Finny, as my friends talked to me about him. We shared stories and memories. But I was ready to leave. I left Saturday late afternoon. I didn’t need to stay longer. I think that when I realized that I would be traveling home at 5 pm, and Finny was gone for exactly a week, I was glad that I was by myself.

On the way home, at 5 pm, I was at the end of the first week since Finny died. The radio played songs that reminded me that I was saying goodbye to my friend. Vayos Con Dios, Go with God. A song came on the radio, "You're always in my heart, you're always on my mind" and those lyrics will be with me forever. When you need me, I'll be there...

Then I remember the hills and trees and scenery. I remember how I felt when the sadness and guilt and pain was gone. I felt that I was suppose to be here, today, remembering Finny. Finny would want me to enjoy my rides. I think he knew me as much as I knew him. I can’t live my life grieving for him and not riding. But I can live my life remembering Finny with a great love and thankfulness. I am eternally grateful for what Finny has taught me and for what we have done together.

I will always wish that I had more time with Finny. That saddens me tonight. I am crying as I write this. I miss what could have been. I miss that I could have made Finny greater than he was. I am sorry that I couldn’t have taken better care of him. I am sorry that I didn’t have many years with him, and that I could have shared him with my lesson kids and my grandchildren. He would have been an awesome lesson horse.

But tomorrow is here. What happened, has happened. I can’t change that, but I can move on. I pray that God is riding my horse, and I pray that Finny is helping the angels learn to ride. I want to dream that Finny is running across a field, ears perked, whinnying, because he sees me at the Golden Gate, and he is running to meet me.