Christmas Gift about Finny

My daughter, Sara, is putting together or making me something for Christmas. About Finny. She wanted this as a surprise, but she recently told me that Dad wasn’t getting her the info she needed. I told her that I was glad to know for 2 reasons. Opening a present like that without any prior knowledge would have been a shock. But more importantly, I wouldn’t want anyone to touch my book of Finny’s things. I’m sure you know what that means to me. She said she tried getting help from some of my trail riding friends, but they told her that only I have the cards and that there isn’t anything online. She had to tell me, and I’m so glad I did. I may need this month so that I can open the gift.

I don’t know what she is doing, but I had to scan and send her everything I had on Finny. The CTR judge’s cards. The Certificates for placing. I added maps of the places that I have ridden him. I added his number with some ribbons.

I handled that ok, as I recently finished his CTR book. I had to put the last day of CTR cards and certificates in it, then I was done. It only took me a year to do that, and I finished that this fall. But I can look at his cards and read the remarks about our obstacles now, without tearing up. I’m still sad, of what could have been, but glad to read the comments now.

Then, last night, she asked if I wanted to scan and send the cards and notes that people sent me. Oh, my heart was in my throat just thinking about it. I could hardly swallow. Seeing his cards were one thing, but re-reading what everyone wrote to me was another thing. I wasn’t sure I could read them. And how could you look at the cards and emails without seeing even some of the words. I wasn’t sure that I could handle that.

But today I got thinking about that. I had been wanting to go back to those dates and print off the emails that people sent me, to add to the package of sympathy cards. I felt that today was the day that I should do that, or it may not get done. Then as I was printing off the emails to add to his book, I forwarded them on to Sara, to add to her project. That way, I tackled 2 things at once. I don’t think I could have done this twice, on 2 different days. The cards are scanned and sent. The emails are copied off and forwarded on to her. I was just careful to not to read to many of the messages, or to read too much of any one message. Tears came a few times, and I had to walk away from the copier a few times, but the emails are printed off now. Then I made another file in my email area, just for Finny. And I moved everything about him from my inbox to his own file. When I want to look at them the next time, I don’t have to search back to that date in my inbox. I don’t need to be reminded of that date, even though I will never forget it.

My chest was heavy. My heart felt like it was beating too fast and too hard at times. My eyes ached, not from too many tears but from a tiredness that lies behind them. I don’t want to think about Finny anymore, or I’ll start crying….

Sara wants me to find pictures of when he was young, when he was orphaned at a month. When he was a little thing, so friendly yet so wild about things when he wanted to play. :-)))
He was a little thing, in body and in height. As a yearling, he would act up on the lunge line, even though I could almost pull him over, even during his 2nd and 3rd year. Then one day, during the fall when he was 3, he quit acting up and I rode him for 30 days. I rode him the next spring, of his 4th year for 30 days, then left him alone for summer. In the fall of that year, I started riding him to the field, and the rest is history…

It makes me smile to think of him as that little guy. And it makes me smile to think how much fun we had riding the fields during the fall of his 4th and 5th years. After those years, he was my trail horse. He was always with me. And he always will be.

This is a very thoughtful gift that Sara is working on, and I look forward to seeing it. I just may not be able to look at all of it, all at once. And if I cry, and I’m sure Sara will cry, too, I’m sure the tears will be happy tears.

Maybe it’s a good thing to be working on all of this and seeing it now. I may be prepared to see the gift at Christmas. I may not be as sad as I would have been. Working on getting the info to Sara has made me look at everything again, and every time I look at something of Finny’s, it gets easier. Maybe it will be easy to see Finny’s accomplishments and how he affected other’s lives.

Maybe I will be smiling…