I feel like I’m in a Bloggers Block, just like writers get into a writer’s block. I just haven’t felt like writing my thoughts down like I have since before I started the blog. Before, something was inside me that needed to get out. But now, I’m not sure where that feeling went.
The whys will always be there. Why did he have to be the one to die? He was my baby, the orphan I saved and raised. The little pot who turned into an awesome mover. He wanted to live when he was orphaned at a month old. He had the desire to live. He took himself out of the pasture to the stall to eat, and he took himself back to the pasture, where the other mares and babies were, to be with them. He always went first to the water tank and drank. He knew how to survive. Yet, he couldn’t survive this horrible colic.
The guilt and the whys have taken the fun out of riding for me for more than 2 years. The foals I had this year were a great distraction, and brought back some of the old feelings for me. The desires are returning. Riding Shaggy this past year has helped too, as he is such a quiet, comforting soul. But riding him always makes me feel that I should be riding Finny, and I feel that I’m holding something back. But these foals make me think of Starlet, who is one of the mothers. Starlet was one of my first foals that I raised and trained, and who is a favorite of mine. Having the foals help.
Because some days, I just can’t stand feeling this sad all the time. For those of you who have gone through this, HOW do you ever get over it? When will the tears stop? When did you start having fun with horses again? When did you ride and have fun and not wish that you were riding your other horse?
I’m going to be getting a different competition horse soon. I’m going to be riding Duke at lessons. I’m going to be taking Shaggy to my Centered Riding Clinics. I’m going to be starting Duster’s training. I’m going to begin lunging the soon-to-be yearling’s, Dove and Fawn, next year. Other horses are dear to me and are loved. And maybe this is the start to feeling totally happy again. Letting the horses in, and the love out, of the heart.