I feel like I’m in a Bloggers Block, just like writers get into a writer’s block. I just haven’t felt like writing my thoughts down like I have since before I started the blog. Before, something was inside me that needed to get out. But now, I’m not sure where that feeling went. After Finny died, more than 2 years ago now, I really had to write about that, his death, the why, my pain, my guilt. I am still so sad when I think about him, and how he died. It just breaks my heart that he died such a painful death due to colic. I wouldn’t wish that on any animal. And it had to happen to a horse that meant so much to me.
Isn’t it always the case that you realize how much or how deep those feelings are once something is gone? I don’t think I took him for granted. I know I didn’t. I enjoyed riding him so very much! I just rode him, and enjoyed the ride. I enjoyed him! I realized that he wasn’t a happy camper at the competitions, but his ears were always perked when we rode the fields. I was on my last competitive ride with him, he would have been ridden for fun after that next day.
The whys will always be there. Why did he have to be the one to die? He was my baby, the orphan I saved and raised. The little pot who turned into an awesome mover. He wanted to live when he was orphaned at a month old. He had the desire to live. He took himself out of the pasture to the stall to eat, and he took himself back to the pasture, where the other mares and babies were, to be with them. He always went first to the water tank and drank. He knew how to survive. Yet, he couldn’t survive this horrible colic.
The guilt and the whys have taken the fun out of riding for me for more than 2 years. The foals I had this year were a great distraction, and brought back some of the old feelings for me. The desires are returning. Riding Shaggy this past year has helped too, as he is such a quiet, comforting soul. But riding him always makes me feel that I should be riding Finny, and I feel that I’m holding something back. But these foals make me think of Starlet, who is one of the mothers. Starlet was one of my first foals that I raised and trained, and who is a favorite of mine. Having the foals help.
I’ve had a few meltdowns this past year. I guess, who doesn’t, with any portion of their lives when there are troubles?
After a year of thinking, holding it all in, the guilt had to come out. And this is 2 years out! First time, I thought I was over losing him, after the first year’s anniversary date, and I wasn’t. Then I thought I was doing fine, and it came out 6 months later. The only thing I can say, after each meltdown, is that I felt better after it was all over. Maybe everything hurtful that was in me just boiled out, and needed to.
I know people lose loved ones. And children. And this can’t begin to relate to those losses on the same level. But what I felt, and still feeling, is such a deep loss that I can only relate it to losing a loved one. I’ve lost a dear grandmother, and my husband has lost a brother and a father. But this loss feels so different and hurts so much and I don’t know why.
All I know is that I’m ready to ride again. And ride for fun. And to blog about my rides. I can only do this when I’m having fun with my rides. Which I have had with Shaggy, working with Duster, my 3 year old, and playing with these 2 new babies. But the pain is still there, and I’m ready for it to be gone. I’m ready to ride without feeling guilty, and being sad when I think about Finny. I want to think about him with happy memories, and I do, but I want the sadness to be gone.
Because some days, I just can’t stand feeling this sad all the time. For those of you who have gone through this, HOW do you ever get over it? When will the tears stop? When did you start having fun with horses again? When did you ride and have fun and not wish that you were riding your other horse?
I’m going to be getting a different competition horse soon. I’m going to be riding Duke at lessons. I’m going to be taking Shaggy to my Centered Riding Clinics. I’m going to be starting Duster’s training. I’m going to begin lunging the soon-to-be yearling’s, Dove and Fawn, next year. Other horses are dear to me and are loved. And maybe this is the start to feeling totally happy again. Letting the horses in, and the love out, of the heart.
I want the acceptance. Without sadness. How do you get there? I don’t feel as guilty anymore. Maybe that is a start too. But I’m still sad, and that hurts that I’m still so sad that Finny is gone. I don’t want to be sad every time I think about him. So I don’t think about him, and I don’t want to do that either.
Like I told a friend… I just didn’t want him to die that way.
Like I told a friend just yesterday … I felt like I was coming out of a loss, and ready to move on, and excited about that. But then these sad feelings return, because I don’t want to forget Finny, I don’t want to replace him, but I want to move on. I sure hope I do. I need to move on. And with happy, content memories and feelings about Finny!
And this had nothing to do with the topic, except that I haven’t felt like writing. Until now. And now, every time I write about Finny, my heart doesn’t hurt so much. Maybe I just need to write more so my heart hurts less.
I’ve had other horses die. This isn’t the first, and it won’t be the last. It’s just time to move on. I made another step the other day… I emailed someone about the jewelry they make with horse hair. I guess it’s time. I’m also looking more seriously for that next endurance horse. I’ve not done endurance yet, so this is a different path that I’m taking. Something different.
Thanks for reading and being there. Thanks for your thoughts and how you felt when you went through this.
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