The End of the First Week

Tomorrow is here! I had a beautiful ride at Turkey Creek, near Newcastle, Nebraska, Friday afternoon and this morning. My heart was singing. I love the hills and trees and scenery. I felt a weighted load of grief lift from my shoulders. I took some pics that I will post tomorrow. Finny is where he needs to be right now, and I am where I need to be right now. I am sad that Finny isn’t with me, I am glad that I didn’t bring any horses this weekend, and I am grateful that Brenda is sharing her horses with me. That has made the transition in riding a different horse easier for me.

I rode Brenda W’s Tennessee Walkers. They sure do move out. Two of the horses were only 3 year olds, but they were solid on the trails. I will continue to look at horses. I need to find the right horse that will replace Finny at CTR’s. I can take my time to do that.

I had moments of sadness. I was comfortable talking about Finny, as my friends talked to me about him. We shared stories and memories. But I was ready to leave. I left Saturday late afternoon. I didn’t need to stay longer. I think that when I realized that I would be traveling home at 5 pm, and Finny was gone for exactly a week, I was glad that I was by myself.

On the way home, at 5 pm, I was at the end of the first week since Finny died. The radio played songs that reminded me that I was saying goodbye to my friend. Vayos Con Dios, Go with God. A song came on the radio, "You're always in my heart, you're always on my mind" and those lyrics will be with me forever. When you need me, I'll be there...

Then I remember the hills and trees and scenery. I remember how I felt when the sadness and guilt and pain was gone. I felt that I was suppose to be here, today, remembering Finny. Finny would want me to enjoy my rides. I think he knew me as much as I knew him. I can’t live my life grieving for him and not riding. But I can live my life remembering Finny with a great love and thankfulness. I am eternally grateful for what Finny has taught me and for what we have done together.

I will always wish that I had more time with Finny. That saddens me tonight. I am crying as I write this. I miss what could have been. I miss that I could have made Finny greater than he was. I am sorry that I couldn’t have taken better care of him. I am sorry that I didn’t have many years with him, and that I could have shared him with my lesson kids and my grandchildren. He would have been an awesome lesson horse.

But tomorrow is here. What happened, has happened. I can’t change that, but I can move on. I pray that God is riding my horse, and I pray that Finny is helping the angels learn to ride. I want to dream that Finny is running across a field, ears perked, whinnying, because he sees me at the Golden Gate, and he is running to meet me.

The Week After: Day 6

Thursday, I was to ride at Turkey Creek with friends for 4 days with Finny. Ii didn't go on Thursday. Today, Friday, I am going to Turkey Creek, but without Finny. Yesterday, I wasn’t sure I could go. Yesterday, I wasn’t sure I could take another horse. I wasn’t sure I could load another horse into the horse trailer. This early Friday morning, I had decided I could take Chick, as she doesn’t need, nor want, extra attention. Until I saw how muddy she was. I emailed Brenda at TC to ask if I could just ride her horses, and that was fine with Brenda. I didn’t need to load a horse into the horse trailer. I’m glad, as I knew if I had to load a horse, it wouldn’t be Finny.

Turkey Creek is 3 hours away, near Newcastle, Nebraska. I don’t know what happened to the first hour. My thoughts were everywhere, from horses, to the store, to parents, to the future. The next thing I knew, I was north of Fremont and had driven an hour.

I called my parents. My dad was sick late Sunday night, the day after Finny died. He was flown to a Pittsburgh hospital with an a very elevated blood pressure, due to prostrate and urinary tract problems. Luckily, they were able to treat him, and his blood pressure returned to normal. He came home Monday morning, and saw more doctors that day and on Wednesday. He is still having problems and will return to the doctors on this coming Monday. My mother has slight dementia, but seems to be doing very well this week. I think that when she gets very tired, she sleeps very well for a week, and that week that she sleeps well, she has wonderful memory. My parents are aging. What does the future hold for them?

I called my friend Dianna. She had shoulder surgery on Monday and I wanted to see who she was doing. Her father is also sick. We talked about horses, and she shared a story with me about her special horse who had died, a beautiful palomino. She dreams of her horse, seeing her loping in a field, with her flaxen mane blowing in the wind.

As I drove north, there were 2 horses in a field. One Palomino. One Black. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, less than a ½ hour after I talked to Dianna. Chills went up and down my arms. The 2 horses were standing head to tail, caressing each other’s withers. I couldn’t believe that I had just got done talking with Dianna, and less than a ½ hour, I saw these 2 horses, standing in their pasture next to the highway. Is that a sign? Are those 2 horses now in heaven, comforting each other? Were they showing their owners that they are fine? And that we should be fine?

I continued to think of the future. I am distracted. At times, I remember that Finny isn’t with me and I am sad. At times, I think of CTR, and that I had been thinking of getting a gaited horse, and I am sad. Am I being disloyal? Is it time to think of another horse already? I have talked and emailed many friends this week. Everyone had been wonderful and understanding. When I think of getting another horse, it will make it seem like Finny is gone forever. Am I ready for that?

As I drove, I came to the conclusion that I could love again. I shouldn’t be afraid to give my heart away. A good friend lost her dog, but loved the breed so much that she got another one. She showed me that to love again is special. She is very sad for the puppy that she had to say goodbye to, but she has brought another special dog into her life. I could do the same with a horse. Just because I have another horse to love doesn’t mean that I love Finny any less. It means I could share more love with another special friend. And I shouldn’t be afraid to love another horse. I shouldn’t be afraid to share that special bond with another horse. It may not be the same type of love and bond, but it will be special for that horse, and that horse only.

I realized that each horse is special. I realized that each horse brings a specific love to our life. But more importantly, I realized that I can go on and share more love. There are so many horses out there that need us, just as much as we need them. I can find that horse that I can share a special bond with, just as my friend found her dog. Our next special friend helps us with our pain of losing our other friend. I lost a very special dog, Aggie, a long time ago. I still think of this special pet to this day, sometimes with tears in my eyes. She was my dog, a well mannered Springer Spaniel, who I had through my last year of college, early marriage, and with young children. To this day, I miss the connection that I had with her. I am ready to have another dog and have that same connection. Then I realized that is the same with Finny. I will miss him deeply, and forever. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have another horse that means to me what he means to me. Finny will always mean something special to me. I am just realizing how much he meant to me. Isn’t it a shame that we realize things like this when they are gone? And that makes me sad all over again. When will this sadness and the sense that I didn’t do enough leave me? Or will it make be a better person for the next horse and dog that I love?

God says that he won’t give us any more than we can handle. I don’t know how He could think that I could handle losing Finny. My heart was breaking, and I couldn’t breathe. I sobbed in agony. How did He think I was handling that? The messages that I received from friends helped immensely. Maybe losing Finny showed me how much friends should really mean to us. Maybe losing Finny will help me with someone who loses their riding partner. Maybe losing Finny has a meaning that I have yet to discover.

I don’t know how I could have handled anything more than this. Finny’s sudden death tore my heart apart. I need to think that Finny was needed somewhere else. I need to think that someone needed Finny more than me, and my heart breaks for them, as I know how much I need Finny. I pray that the angels are having a glorious time riding him.

I believe I am healing. I rode Brenda, from Turkey Creek, Tennessee Walking horses today. And I smiled and had a good time. The horses took me on a good ride. I looked at the hills, felt the movement of the horses, and realized that I was meant to be here. I rode ahead, pushing the young mare into her gait. I needed to feel, and to sense, that this was right. Jess’s horse, Tucker, wanted to walk out. We rode side by side for a lot of the ride. She is struggling with a sickness in the family. I think our horse feel our struggles, and help us. I pray that Jess, and her family, find strength and peace in the knowledge that they have many friends around them.

As I go to bed tonight, there are still many doubts. I still wonder and question what I could have done differently. I will always feel that I didn’t do enough for Finny. But I feel differently now. I am sad, but I am learning. And what I learn will hopefully prevent the next case of colic.

As I go to bed tonight, I am starting to have wonderful memories of Finny. I am seeing the future. When I wake up, that may be the start of a tomorrow. Tomorrow is coming. I just am not sure how I feel about that

The Week After, Day 5

Today, Thursday, didn’t start off very good. I did chores, feeding dogs, cats and horses. Then I had to get the trailer ready for the weekend ride. I had planned on going to Turkey Creek for the weekend, for one last ride. I was to meet friends, starting today, but decided to postpone my start until Friday. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go.

After chores were done, I decided to get the trailer ready. I really didn’t need to decide until Friday morning, but at least if I was going, I could fill the water tank and make sure I had hay in the trailer. Then, I realize that I hadn’t been in the trailer since I brought it home on Saturday after Finny died. As I filled water in the tank, I opened the tack room door. I only looked in, and saw Finny’s halter and lead rope. I didn’t go into the tack room. I opened the escape door of the horse area and looked in. It was stacked full of buckets and hay bags, just as my friend, Virginia, packed it hurriedly as I had to leave Indian Caves quickly. I put Finny’s halter and lead rope into one of the hay bags, close at hand but not visible. I wasn’t ready to use his halter on any other horse.

The water tank filled. I shut off the hydrant. The inevitable was waiting. I had to go into the horse area. When I open up the doors, I saw the subtle signs of struggle, and I had to clean the area. I didn’t know if I could do that. But, with tears in my eyes, I got a sponged, dampened it, and wiped the smudged areas, of small blood stains, smears, and hair on the dividers. I didn’t want to think about how they got there. But I had seen enough horses struggle in pain to know how, and my heart was breaking in two once again, knowing that my horse had struggled in pain as I rushed him to the vet clinic. And my heart ached. I couldn’t stop his pain those last 2 hours, until the end, and my heart, once again, broke in two, and I didn’t want to go anywhere in that horse trailer.

I finished the dreaded task, and went inside. My stomach was upset. I wasn’t sure if I should go ride or not. I had thought if I took a horse, it would be Chick. I wasn’t sure that if I was going, I wanted to take a horse or not. At least if I took Chick, she didn’t require a lot of attention, and I’m not sure I could give a horse much extra attention right now. I left for the store, not sure what I was doing.

Then Tammy called me. She was reading my blog. Finny meant a lot to her, too. Her horse, Windy, and Finny shared many trails and lessons, and got along . I smile as Tammy will say that Windy had a crush on Finny. And like most guys, Finny had not a clue! Tammy understood how heart breaking the situation was, how many questions I had, and how sad I felt. We will soon ride together, and we will shart memories. Healing has started.

Virginia came to the store. We talked about gaited horses, and about next year’s CTR’s. I thanked her for helping me at the trailer with Finny. And she helped me to pick out little gifts for the others who helped me on the day that Finny colicked. The vets and the people who were camped near me were wonderful, stepping in to help as soon as they saw I was having trouble with Finny.

My friend, Vicki, called, and met me after I was done at the store. She had made a crochet basket, with Finny’s name and dates on it, to hold a lock of his hair. I wouldn’t let myself get upset.

The day ended better. My friend, Tammy, on her blog, Horsetrailriders.com posted a tribute to Finny. At first I was sad and had tears while I read. Then the smiles came. Then the memories. And soon I was laughing. I remember the stories now. The Storm when we both were freezing, in June in Nebraska! The rattle snake sounds at Ft Rob, and once again, trying to beat a storm! That nasty horse fly at the CTR! Oh, the memories almost make me cry, but happy tears now. Thanks, tv, for reminding me that I have much more to smile about now then to cry about.

I know there are memories to make in the future. Only God knows our future, and I will let him lead my trail rides. I know I will ride a different horse, and I will try to be true to that horse. Only time heals, and I pray to God to heal my heart so that I can give my heart to another horse. There is a lot of love to go around.

The Week After: Day 4

I had an early morning. Chores, which consisted of only feeding the 18+ cats and 5 dogs, and to the store by 8. I hadn’t looked at my bills for a week. I needed to answer email condolences. Today seemed as good a day as any to get back to business and accomplish that.

Bill pay. Transfer funds to pay the vet. I can’t believe how much I paid for 20 minutes of the vet‘s expertise, but that is another story. I couldn’t have put Finny down by any other method.

Emails. Who haven’t I thanked or talked to. I have a few friends that I have been emailing back and forth, trying to get answers for the question “why“. No specific answers. Maybe just things to do differently. Feed more Fiber. Worm every 2 months or with a continual wormer. Watch for high sugar diets. Watch for overtraining, and lactic acid build up in the muscles. Keep the hind gut sound. Keep riding.

A few more people sent emails. One had pictures of horses on a path to heaven. Oh my, the horse was big and black. The other email was about a poem about what God needed. I could only read 2 paragraphs. I’ll finish the poem tonight or tomorrow, and let you know if I could read the whole thing. Basically, it was about God riding our horses! That God needed them. I have always known that my heaven would be a heaven with horses. I just never pictured the angels riding my horses. I couldn’t read any further. That is going to be a tear jerker.

I am dealing with Finny’s death by thinking about another horse. I can’t stay just focused on his death, or I couldn’t leave the sorrow that I feel. For me, I need something more to think about. I really don’t want to think about my other horses that I have here, but I can think about another horse to ride. Strange, isn’t it?

I went to town with my daughter-in-law and grandson this afternoon. The day was misty and dreary out, and I really didn’t want to come home and sit in the house, doing nothing. It was great having a distraction, and I love being distracted by my grandchildren.

One of my adult lesson riders stopped by after work. She is a behavioral psychologist. We talked. She wanted to know if there is anything she can do. She is new to horses, but she talks to people about their problems. She just listened to me talk. Or she seemed to want me to talk. I don’t know if I was being evaluated, but it felt good to just talk matter-of-factly.

I’m tired tonight. A lot of thinking today. Figuring out what the answers to the questions are. I think I’ll go on my trail ride this weekend. I’m not sure I want to talk about Finny when I get there. I just want to see the scenery. I don’t really care what horse I will ride. Tom asked who I’m taking, and I told him that I didn’t have many choices.

I guess I’ll be riding soon. I’m not sure who.

The Week After, Day 3

Today is better. After talking with Virginia yesterday, I knew I had to work on getting some answers to my questions. The sadness is leaving, but there is an emptiness.

I had to get up early as the horses needed a round bale. I can’t do that alone. I can get a bale, feed the horses some grain to keep them away from the open gate, open the gate, pull the tractor and bale through, get off and close the gate, and drive to the round bale feeder. But I can’t lift the round bale feeder anymore. I used to be able to do that, but what happens to your strength as you age? So that means I had to get up early before Tom left for work and get him to help me.

As I drove to my eye appointment this morning, Christi, a fellow CTR friend, called me. This was the first day that I could talk to someone on the phone and not cry. She, as well as many friends who own horses, have gone through either colic or a death of a horse. Since I have gone through all the emotions, I could talk.

I told Christi that I tried to figure out what I could have done differently. If I hadn’t rode Finny, he wouldn’t have died. But like Christi said, and to everyone out there who is reading this, REMEMBER THIS, if you don’t use your horse for what you have planned to do with your horse, then the horse would be sitting in the pasture and you wouldn’t be doing anything. Do you not go back into a car after you hear about a car accident? Some things like this happen, and we won’t know why.

Another thought: changing feed and electrolytes don’t always help. Doing anything differently that day may not have helped. Colic just happens, and it stinks.

I could talk this morning because I think the sadness and guilt and questions and anger are a little less. I have been in the horse business long enough to know that horses are going to die and sometimes there is nothing you can do. Sometimes, all we can do is make the suffering go away. Sometimes, all we can do is be their friend while they are here and remember them when they are gone.

Today, at the store, I could talk to a few people about Finny. I felt like I was talking about him as though he was a different horse or belonged to someone else. I felt like when I talked about how he died, I separated myself from Finny and was talking about the problem. Maybe today, that is how I am dealing with the emotions.

Today, I could finally talk to Sara. She only knew that Finny had colic and died. I had only texted her and briefly told her as soon as I left the vet clinic on Saturday. She had read the blog and knew what had happened. We talked about Finny. And I talked about the ride. And about Duke. And about her horses.

And I talked to Makenzie, even though all she did was wave at the phone. I ride horses to pass my love of horses on to Makenzie and Caden.

This love can’t be suppressed. We need to love. We need to mourn. We need to remember. We need to smile over the wonderful memories. We need to keep riding.

I’ll be riding again soon. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. But soon.