Today I said Goodbye to my Friend

Today I had to say goodbye to my friend Finny
We rode our best ride today
He did everything I asked and he did it well.
We were a team. We were as one.

Today I had to say goodbye to my friend and my heart hurts.
My heart is heavy. My heart is breaking in two
There is a lump in my throat and I can’t swallow
The tears and sobs come hard.

Today the reality of death has set in.
Finny, my friend, is not here.
Finny will never be here again.
And the tears come back.

Where is my tall black horse today?
He is not with the other horses.
I don’t see him because he is gone.
I won’t ever see him again. And the tears come back.

There is a tomorrow.
Tomorrow will bring memories and smiles.
I don’t know when tomorrow will be here.
I just know that today my friend is gone.

The Week After Finny is Gone Day 1 and 2

Finny died Saturday, Oct 10, 2009 at 5 pm, after a fantastic CTR at Indian Caves.

Day 1. Sunday October 11. I had cried hard last night. Tom rubbed my back as I sat in bed and bawled. I couldn’t lay down as my head was all stuffed up. I got up to get a drink, laid down, and slept. I woke up at 5:30 with a headache, took a Tylenol, ate some oatmeal, and went back to bed until 8:30. I tried to read what my friends wrote to me, but I couldn’t. I processed what happened. I shut the computer off and existed until noon. Tom and I went to town. I needed to get away from here. I didn’t do morning chores and I didn’t want to see my other horses. When we got home, I did grain the horses, but did not spend any extra time with them. I had the dogs out for a few minutes, but I didn’t even want to play with them. I came back to the computer and read what everyone wrote. I didn’t cry as much. My pain wasn’t so great, or so I thought. I went to bed late, after 11 pm.

Day 2. Monday. I slept solid until 7 am. The phone woke me up. My sister called from PA. My dad was life lined to Pittsburgh due to an obstruction in his urinary tract. He was in pain and his blood pressure was dangerously high. Our small town emergency room could not get him cauterized, and they didn’t think he could tolerate the 2 hour trip to Pittsburgh. He was flown to the hospital in Pittsburgh at 1 am. My sister took my mom home to wait. By 7 am, he was safe to travel back home. My brother drove to pick him up this morning and he should be home by noon.

I thought I was better this morning. After I got off the phone, I opened my bedroom drapes. The sun was out even though it is still cold out. I thought I should ride, then realized that Finny wasn’t here to ride. The heavy sadness is coming back. This morning, before going to feed dogs, it started to snow. I thought of tears from heaven, but they must be heavy tears, since they were of snow and not rain. I wonder if Finny is as sad as I am. I wonder if he is crying. I was to meet my daughter-in-law and grandson in town. I called her to cancel. I just couldn’t. I hate not seeing my grandson, but I just couldn‘t feel happy about seeing him. I would probably just cry. I called the vet. They would take care of Finny today. I cut off his tail to bring home, but I asked the vet clinic if they would cut his mane braids. I don’t know why I didn’t do that. But I think it will be nice to have the braids. I asked my friend Virginia to stop by the clinic and pick them up for me. I don’t want to go there today. She also is bringing me my CTR cards from Saturday. I will have my last memories of my last ride with Finny.

I made a big pot of soup with whatever I could find. Beef stew meat, tomatoes, potatoes, peas, carrots, and then zucchini chunks. Tom is not going to be happy when he realizes there is zucchini in the crock pot. That thought gives me a little smile. I thought that I better eat healthy today and get some veggies into me. And I need to drink more water. My head is starting to hurt. Probably too much caffeine.

I have read a few more friend’s notes this morning. And I started crying all over again. The finality is hitting hard. Finny isn’t here any longer. I can’t look out the kitchen window and see him with the other horses. I can’t go to the fields and ride him. There is a lot I can’t do anymore. My heart is heavy and there is a big lump in my throat. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. How do I get over the pain of loss? Of guilt? Of emptiness?

Today I am home from the store. No Mondays at the store since I’ll be open on Saturdays. But the weather is crappy. Cooler temps and a dampness is in the air. I’ll have to go outside. I’ll have to see the other horses. They need their grain and their water tank filled. The dogs need to be left out to run. My other animals will make me go outside when I really don’t want to. I cleaned the toilets. I played around on my computer, saving pictures from my camera. I have no desire to do much more than that.

I feel better tonight. Virginia brought me Finny’s mane braids and my CTR cards from Saturday. She brought me a wonderful card and a letter filled with very wonderful thoughts from my fellow riders from the CTR. We shared some coffee and some memories. We talked about the reasons why. We talked about the CTR day on Saturday. We talked about how Finny looked when I got back to camp and how his condition grew worse so quickly. I talked about how this is so hard to believe that it happened so quickly. I talked about being sad, being angry, feeling guilt. We talked about what we would have done differently. And we talked about what we have learned from this. We shared some thoughts of what we might change because of going through this colic ordeal. We talked about what we will educate ourselves about before our next big rides. And Virginia told me that I will be ready to move on when it is time. Take the time to mourn, then get back to horses!

The healing has started. I’m not quite so sad. I know Finny won’t be on my next rides and I will always miss him. I’m not quite so upset about the whys. I will always wonder if I could have done things differently - that’s just part of life. What I have learned is to start doing now what I would have done differently.

But it’s hard to think about going on the next ride. It will be hard to know that I won’t be pulling Finny out of the lot to ride.

Finny and Indian Caves

Yesterday, I had to write part of the following on my friend Tammy's website Horsetales.

I had a great ride today. I had put Finny into a mechanical hackamore the last 2 weeks. We were working on some chomping the bit issues, etc. He was riding great at home! We went to Indian Caves yesterday. After check in, I rode for about an hour, just Finny and I. He was mister calm, and rode around like he does at home. I blanketed last night, and this morning was a little chilly, but no snow or rain!!! We rode 20 miles, had great obstacles, did well at P&R's. After the 2nd P&R, we had 4 miles to camp, and since we were way ahead of time, we mostly walked in, with a little trotting. No changes. He did great all day. Finny even wanted to stop and graze on the way to camp. But, at camp, he wanted to lay down even before I got the saddle off. Strange, since the only time he rolls is when I turn him out to pasture after a ride. He was off. After a little water, very little hay, a little bit of grain with some water on it, he wanted to lay down again, all within 10 minutes of the first time. Then within another 10 minutes, it was apparent that something was wrong. At that time, the vet judge was coming to trailers, and she was there to help with Finny. We got some banamine and another muscle relaxant into him, and it only took the edge off. With friends helping, while Finny was being helped, hay bags and water buckets were put into my trailer, I was already hitched, the trailer was pulled onto the road, and Finny was loaded. He needed to see a vet. I made the hard decision, in 15 minutes, to not try for colic surgery but get vet care. I trailered to the vet clinic near me, but it was too late. The vet said that nothing would have helped. Finny was twisted near the rectum, and the vet said it probably happened during the ride, since he was uncomfortable at the very end of the ride. The vet says that can happen, that guts can twist any time. Finny was already in too much pain, and I put him down. Go hug your horse tomorrow. You really never know. I was having an awesome day, but Dear God, when does the hurting stop?
I'm thanking you now for your thoughts and prayers, as I don't think I'll be able to respond for a few days. I'm having a hard time tonight.

Today:
I was able to talk to a few people. Very few. I can’t believe how bad I hurt. I can’t believe how tired my brain is right now. I feel terrible. A friend who knows horses well and understands all about pharmaceuticals, told me that I could not have seen this coming, or have prevented it. He was not stressed during the ride. His P&R and metabolic check was great just an hour before finishing the ride. The day was cold out and he didn’t sweat and become over heated.
I knew as soon as I got back to the trailer that something was wrong. He wanted to lay and roll. That wasn’t like him. He didn’t roll until he was turned out. He wanted to go keep going down. This wasn’t looking good. He got very bad very quickly. Drugs didn’t help him. I knew this wasn’t going to be good. He was in distress and help was almost 2 hours away. I prepared for the worse, hoping and praying for a good ending. As soon as I opened the trailer door, I knew. He didn’t have that death look, but he had been down and struggling. He got up, he walked with me. He walked with me to the exam. He walked with me outside. He walked with me to where he would go to sleep. He laid down easily, and I said goodbye. I tried to close his eyes. I was able to save his tail. We covered him up. I turned to my husband and cried. I started to shut out the emotions as I had to drive home. Emotions opened back up that night. My heart felt like it was breaking in two.
I have to believe this happened during the ride for some unforeseen and unbelievable reason. I have to believe that this just happened.

Tonight, I emailed my friends to thank them:
From the bottom of my heart, thank you! For your kind words, thoughts, prayers. I am better today, but very, very sad. I cried myself to sleep last night, poor Tom. He is definitely my rock. I woke up with a headache at 5:30, took some tylenol and slept until 8:30. Each of your words are healing my heart and giving me a reason to go on. TV, if you ever doubt whether this group is worth having because there is not much talking on it, don't ever go there again. The first posts made me cry harder, and I had to turn the computer off last night. This morning, I was able to read but stilled cried. Tonight, I can read without crying, then I was able to re-read everything and read what people were actually telling me. I am feeling better only because I had all of you out there, helping me in my pain, confusion, guilt, questions. I needed people who understand, and like some of you said, we understand because we have gone through this. I didn't think a heart could feel so bad. My heart was breaking last night. Going to bed was the hardest. That is when everything hit me like bricks. Dear God, I hurt so bad. Today, I didn't do chores this morning, and I made Tom take me to town this afternoon, to get away. My head cleared and I could do chores tonight. But I really couldn't talk or watch the horses. I wasn't ready to think anymore about Finny. I am mentally exhausted tonight, to the point of no thought process, so maybe that is why I can type this now. I was able to tell my sons tonight without crying. I still can't bring myself to actually talk to my daughter about Finny, I could only text her. Terri, your words were so insightful and I appreciate them. TV, thanks for what you said about what Finny was to me. To all of you, you all have made me feel a little less sad. I don't know what will happen next, but I know we all have each other.
Thanks for being our friend, Brenda and Finny

Tonight:
I can think about Finny now. I really don’t want to do anything with the other horses yet. I did ask my husband if he thought we had plans for Duke, our stud. I had planned on gelding him last year, and then this spring, but thought we might want to have babies again. I’m thinking about gelding him and riding him. I have always loved his lope. He is Finnys’ older half brother. But I need to wait until my heart is there. I need to be fair to both Finny and Duke.

I will, sometime, figure out the reason that this happened. Maybe there isn’t a reason why, maybe I will just understand why. I hope I will be able to go on and help someone with what I learn.

Thanks for being my friend, Finny. We have had some awesome rides together. I miss you so much already. I was, and will always be, your riding buddy. My heart aches for you, and for what happened to you. I am so sorry that you suffered. I hope I was a comfort during your last half hour.

I wish you could come along on the next ride with me. I pray that you will always be with me in spirit.

The Smells and Sights of Fall

Walking outside this week, fall was in the air. One warm morning, before the cold windy weather came later in the week, you could smell fall. The warm air mixed with drying leaves. I walked outside with a jacket on and immediately took it off.


I was having the farrier come to trim horses.

The air was very warm, and rain was coming. And colder north winds were coming. Mixed that air with all the forage that was drying, and you have the smell of Fall!


I love fall. I love the colors. I love the changing leaves.


I love the deep colors of mums.



Today, I took a long ride to the field. And I took my camera. What better way to work on soft eyes than to be looking at the world around me. What better way then to see that world through a camera lens. And then to see that view, that you saw through the camera lens, in the pictures that are in front of you.


I love the red of ripened apples.


Fall is harvest time.


Soybeans and corn.


The fields are beginning to be bare.

But even the weeds are drying up.


The katydids are getting browner.


I hate these stickers though.

They seem to jump off the plant and right into the horse’s tail. I watch for these while I ride, and I veer widely around them!


The leaves are dropping off the trees.


The grasslands are turning brown.


The sumac is becoming a deeper shade of red.


The hedge apples from the Osage Orange tree.

Fall becomes crisper. And colder. But before it does, there will be plenty of days like today to ride.

Come along on the ride with me!

More Conditioning Part 2

Since the Stephens Forest CTR, I needed to actively condition my horse, Finny, not just ride him for a specific amount of time or for a specific distance. Over the last week, I continued working on what I had changed during the previous week. I really hadn’t changed anything else. I needed to make sure that what I had changed was going to work for me. And it has!

Last week, I had decided to shorten my stirrups 1 notch. I know I could keep more leg on my horse if my stirrups were shorter, and this year I could do that. This year, with my Centered Riding exercises, I haven’t ached. My feet are grounded in the stirrups, giving my a solid feeling, like I am standing on the ground. I keep a little more leg on my horse as I 2-pointed, yet I still kept my knees soft and relaxed. So that I didn’t appear as if I was hitting the cantle as I 2-pointed at the extended trot, I hold just slightly more with my calves. But I don’t hold so tight that I am squeezing with my knees. Hold enough to stay steady when you 2-point.

I constantly check my balance now. I keep aware of staying in the middle of my saddle so I wouldn’t change my balance as I move. A slight ½” lean can make you appear very off center, with one leg longer than the other and with the whole body leaning. I stay aware of my stirrup and leg length. The angle of the upper leg should equal the angle of the lower leg. As I rode this past week, I stayed aware of staying in the center of my horse. When riders are centered, they ride over the horse’s center of gravity. You feel the horse’s movement, and you move with the horse. You move as one!

I had changed my arm position as I am holding the reins. I always check to make sure that I don’t have tension in my shoulders. With the additional Centered Riding exercises that I am doing, I rarely have shoulder tension. I also stay aware of how I am holding my neck. Centered Riding is about staying BALANCED. And having skeletal alignment. Since the head is 11-14#, (isn’t that amazing!), it doesn’t take much of a head tilt, looking down or looking sideways, to have your neck out of alignment. And with that weight tipped forward, think about how much weight is on the forehand. It would be like 2 or 3 5# flour or sugar bags leaning on the horse’s shoulders!

To work on Finny’s bit chomping, I rode with a mechanical hackamore this week. I love it!!! He is not anxiously or nervously chomping on the bit. He isn‘t even trying to chomp. It is amazing! He grazes easily. I have worked on him standing longer. When he didn’t want to stand still, I moved him forward and backward. I have stayed relaxed. The mechanical hackamore has done the job of helping Finny to relax.

Now, I’ll continue riding with the hackamore this week. I’ll add some distance and some speed. I’ll let him graze after each extended trotting time. I’m hoping for a more relaxed horse next weekend!

AND, another big area that I will work on this week, is HOW I 2-point. I have a traditional Quarter Horse Hunt Seat training, or what I had perceived as correct. This was NOT correct for Jumping! While during my 2nd part of the Level 1 Centered Riding Instructors Course, I learned that the rider’s CENTER is to stay over the Bubbling Spring of the foot! AND, when you 2-point, that remains the same! My next blog will be about me actively riding this way. I have also started teaching this during my past few lessons with students!

Come along on the ride with me! And continue to stay relaxed while you ride!